|
Post by kirmy on Jan 8, 2012 15:22:33 GMT -5
I have a terrible relationship with my mother (just ask Kingy she's seen us in full flight).
My mother has a severe personality disorder. She has abused me most of my life and has Munchhausen's by proxy and is constantly hurting my Dad (after dedicating herself to fucking her kids up previously) . Her latest is withholding Dad's medication and feeding him sugary foods and withholding fluids there by pushing his stage three kidney disease and type two diabetes into stage four and needing dialysis. He will likely die some time this year. He however is content to be enabled to eat the food he shouldn't have (he is super morbidly obese) and doesn't like walking to the toilet so not drinking enough means he can sleep in his chair longer. He is not interested in changing any aspect of his unhappy life.
Anyway I've gone off on a pity party Dad tangent.
Back to Mother. Since I had my surgery two years ago Mum has been desperate for me to fail. She called me the other day and asked how much weight I've put back on. She was visibly disappointed that I was maintaining without any effort. She wants me to be crippled and depressed and feeling worthless. WHAT A BITCH! What is worrying is that Mum has been starving herself. She has gone from a size 14 to a size 2. My Sister told me that Mum won't eat in front of anyone anymore and takes her food away into another room to eat where there are no witnesses she also tries to not eat cooked food. What she does eat she often vomits back up. Anorexia anyone? Text book!
Let me add that when my sister was diagnosed with cancer Mum was beside herself with excitement. She tried to get my sister to sign all her property etc over to her and even had my property developer cousin fly over from Japan to value my sisters land. My sister is doing really well and Mum has lost focus on her now not dying daughter.
Mum was scoped arse end and mouth down and they found Barretts oespohagitis and dilated a small stricture. The reports note there was no significant pathology to cause this level of weight loss. She has been treated effectively but has kept on the sick role since then despite a total resolution of her symptoms. No doubt her initial weight loss had everything to do with her oesophagitis but since then has been treated medically with success. My mothers behavioral issues seem to be the problem.
So has my success caused my Mothers eating disorder?
I know I'm an arsehole but now when she calls I tell Mum how good she is looking in her pictures. I know she is desperate for me to tell her how worried I am and how terrible she looks but I just refuse to play this sick game with her. I get a perverse kick in not acknowledging her obvious emaciation.
I should feel concern but I'm angry and spiteful towards her. I know she'll probably end up killing herself like this but if I am truthful I am utterly ambivalent to her misery. Does this make me as bad as her? What the fuck is happening to me? If it was anyone else I'd fall over myself to do something, anything to help.
Jesus I live on the other side of the planet and she still fucks up my head.
Amazing....
|
|
|
Post by hoosiermama on Jan 8, 2012 15:29:26 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Kirmy. Something I have learned is that 1. I cannot control what a mentally ill person does, I can be aware and plan for a time when intervention is possible. and 2. I cannot cause another person to act irresponsibly or evilly. It's not my fault and it's not yours.
Anger is a healthy reaction, she is killing your father and if she had a chance she'd kill you and your sister. The only one left for her to hurt to get undeserved attention and rewards is herself. Her brain is wired wrong. If you think you could have her institutionalized, go for it. Otherwise, live your life and be happy. It's not your responsibility.
me
|
|
|
Post by kirmy on Jan 8, 2012 15:37:33 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Kirmy. Something I have learned is that 1. I cannot control what a mentally ill person does, I can be aware and plan for a time when intervention is possible. and 2. I cannot cause another person to act irresponsibly or evilly. It's not my fault and it's not yours. Anger is a healthy reaction, she is killing your father and if she had a chance she'd kill you and your sister. The only one left for her to hurt to get undeserved attention and rewards is herself. Her brain is wired wrong. If you think you could have her institutionalized, go for it. Otherwise, live your life and be happy. It's not your responsibility. me Damn someone must be peeling onions around here.... I've been to Social services regarding Dad but he refuses to uphold a complaint and doesn't fit the criteria as a Vulnerable adult. Mum wouldn't get sectioned under the mental health act because she has a personality disorder only and you can't lock up a sociopath otherwise no one would go into politics or TV. Anorexia...maybe but she could write it off as Barretts so...... It is just sad and I feel terrible for wishing her dead but I just loathe her right now. She destroys everything she touches. I live in fear of ever turning into her. It is my worst nightmare.
|
|
|
Post by Gail R on Jan 8, 2012 15:43:21 GMT -5
Coming from a woman who had the most wonderful mom one could imagine, I grieve for your loss. It is much worse than never having a mother. This is so very sad for you and your family. Now to be able to see that your father is so ill must really hurt. It is too bad that he won't empower himself to have the DS. I was in stage three kidney disease and this surgery turned my life around. I am so sorry that this can't seem to work out better for your family.
|
|
|
Post by shann_ds on Jan 8, 2012 15:46:50 GMT -5
I agree about having her institutionalized if possible.
My grandmother had undiagnosed mental disease. She was narcissistic & had a personality disorder. When she became a danger to herself & others, I had to step in & become her guardian. I was the only person willing to do it...she had long since run the rest if the family off. She told the judge that she didn't want that "little bitch" in charge of her-- the judge told her the bitch was the only person willing. I had to emotionally distance myself while physically doing what was necessary to take care of her. Emotionally, I told myself that the person she was was already dead.
I think you should be at that point with your mother. If you can do something to get her away from your father, do it. But emotionally, it's time to decide your mother is no longer worth your buy into the whole situation. Concentrate on your sister & on David & on your father if youre strong enough to watch him allow his wife to kill her.
Good luck with all this Kirmy. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it....remember it's HER problem not yours. It makes me realize how lucky I was to have my mom be my best friend, even though it makes losing her to cancer much harder. Hugs to you! We're your family here too.
|
|
|
Post by callmeEJ on Jan 8, 2012 15:47:27 GMT -5
I live in fear of ever turning into her. It is my worst nightmare. I think the fact that you feel that way so strongly should tell you that 1) You are NOT her by any stretch of the imagination and 2) Do you think that SHE ever worries about how horrible she is to others? Nope, she only thinks of herself and how much attention she can gain via pain to herself or others. The fact that you are here and on OH every day smacking sense into people you've never met tells me that you have more empathy in your little finger than your mother does in her entire body.
|
|
|
Post by kirmy on Jan 8, 2012 15:47:58 GMT -5
Coming from a woman who had the most wonderful mom one could imagine, I grieve for your loss. It is much word than never having a mother. This is so very sad for you and your family. Now to be able to see that your father is so ill must really hurt. It is too bad that he won't empower himself to have the DS. I was in stage three kidney disease and this surgery turned my life around. I am so sorry that this can't seem to work out better for your family. Dad is 75 years old. He is in very poor health and was offered bariatric surgery four years ago but Mum talked him out of it. Now it is too late for Dad and no one could put him under a general anesthetic without killing him. It sucks.
|
|
|
Post by kirmy on Jan 8, 2012 15:50:11 GMT -5
I live in fear of ever turning into her. It is my worst nightmare. I think the fact that you feel that way so strongly should tell you that 1) You are NOT her by any stretch of the imagination and 2) Do you think that SHE ever worries about how horrible she is to others? Nope, she only thinks of herself and how much attention she can gain via pain to herself or others. The fact that you are here and on OH every day smacking sense into people you've never met tells me that you have more empathy in your little finger than your mother does in her entire body. Those damn onions....
|
|
|
Post by kirmy on Jan 8, 2012 15:53:07 GMT -5
I agree about having her institutionalized if possible. My grandmother had undiagnosed mental disease. She was narcissistic & had a personality disorder. When she became a danger to herself & others, I had to step in & become her guardian. I was the only person willing to do it...she had long since run the rest if the family off. She told the judge that she didn't want that "little bitch" in charge of her-- the judge told her the bitch was the only person willing. I had to emotionally distance myself while physically doing what was necessary to take care of her. Emotionally, I told myself that the person she was was already dead. I think you should be at that point with your mother. If you can do something to get her away from your father, do it. But emotionally, it's time to decide your mother is no longer worth your buy into the whole situation. Concentrate on your sister & on David & on your father if youre strong enough to watch him allow his wife to kill her. Good luck with all this Kirmy. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it....remember it's HER problem not yours. It makes me realize how lucky I was to have my mom be my best friend, even though it makes losing her to cancer much harder. Hugs to you! We're your family here too. I don't have the energy or the balls to get Mum sectioned and to be honest she doesn't fit enough criteria to be kept in for anything other than the first two days of observation. She is smart and cunning and able to make her own choices. It would be a waste of time and energy and result in spectacular reprisals. I can't be arsed!
|
|
|
Post by kirmy on Jan 8, 2012 15:54:08 GMT -5
I live in fear of ever turning into her. It is my worst nightmare. I think the fact that you feel that way so strongly should tell you that 1) You are NOT her by any stretch of the imagination and 2) Do you think that SHE ever worries about how horrible she is to others? Nope, she only thinks of herself and how much attention she can gain via pain to herself or others. The fact that you are here and on OH every day smacking sense into people you've never met tells me that you have more empathy in your little finger than your mother does in her entire body. Hugs sweetie. xx
|
|
|
Post by kirmy on Jan 8, 2012 15:55:55 GMT -5
So has my success caused my Mothers eating disorder? No. For whatever reason, your Mother appears to be desperate for attention and is seeking it by whatever means she deems necessary. I'm sorry you're being hurt by this, and feeling helpless to stop it. I think that all you can do is refuse to feed into the illness, as you are now trying to do, and put your own health and happiness first. Yeh I know. I just need to learn to not get so emotionally invested in her bullshit. I wish I could turn off my anger. It is such a waste of time and energy.
|
|
|
Post by shann_ds on Jan 8, 2012 15:58:34 GMT -5
Good....you know that it isn't possible. So, give yourself a break for the feelings you have. They're completely justifiable feelings & dont in any way brand you as a monster. You are an amazingly caring person who takes care of all those around you. Give some of that energy to yourself! You are so lovable!!
|
|
|
Post by beemerbeeper on Jan 8, 2012 16:03:51 GMT -5
Kirmy,
I love you but the only person in the world you can change is yourself. I didn't see or speak to my own mother for the last five years of her life. The cost? I lost those five years with my Dad (his choice) and I only had three with him after she died.
It was the right (and only) healthy choice.
Take care of you.
Love,
~Becky
|
|
|
Post by hoosiermama on Jan 8, 2012 16:17:06 GMT -5
Kirmy,
Your anger is healthy. It is allowing you to keep the emotional distance you need. Once it's not needed, shed it. You can do nothing to change what will be, she is on her own path of destruction and she is taking people you love with her. Have a successful and happy life, it's your best revenge. You will never be alright from all she has done to you but you can be better than her and have the ultimate gift any of us can have with a bit of work, you can find peace beyond the memories.
me
|
|
|
Post by chicarita on Jan 8, 2012 16:19:20 GMT -5
Wow, those onions must be strong because they are impacting me here too. I have the same mother. Literally, I'm almost wanting you to send a picture so that I can be assured she isn't living some double life, which wouldn't surprise me in the least. You're right to not even think about trying to get her admitted. People with personality disorders, particularly with Borderline Personality Disorder have a very keen ability to temporarily turn off the crazy and charm the pants off of anyone. In no time, she'll be out and you'll be the one in the hospital for observation because she "is so very concerned for your well being" and has convinced the staff that YOU'RE the one who has gone bonkers. First of all, you cannot turn off the anger. it doesn't work that way. But you can "release" her. Knowing that you can't fix her or help her. And by not feeding in to her illness, you ARE helping her to some extent. By saying that you're worried and encouraging her to have tests, you are doing the same thing to her illness that she is doing to your Dad. Don't get sucked into that trap. Also know that your father is a grown man who makes choices. He could choose to take better care of himself, but he doesn't. Yes, he has the influence of someone who is literally, but unintentionally, trying to kill him. But he CHOOSES to listen to her Kirmy. You can't fix her and you can't fix him. But what you CAN do is fix YOU! You can free yourself of the guilt and anger and know that each of them has free-will. They will do what they choose in spite of your efforts. So release it. Knowing that you've done all you can. Your weight loss isn't killing your mother. Well, not physically anyway. It is just difficult for her to be around healthy people. Because, you see, healthy people don't "need" her. And she so very desperately needs to be needed. 100% of her value is in being needed by the sick people around her. But you chica, you have BROKEN that chain. Be proud of that. You will never, ever be her. E V E R. One more thing, you need to distance yourself from her. It's hard to begin with, but it's what you need to do. I had to go to court and testify in front of a judge that she was dangerous to me and my kids so I could get a restraining order. Against my own mother. But I don't regret it. It had to be done. I had to get away from her. You need to get away from her too. See, I knew there was a reason I had such a girl-crush on you. It was a sisterly thing.
|
|
|
Post by kirmy on Jan 8, 2012 16:59:02 GMT -5
Wow, those onions must be strong because they are impacting me here too. I have the same mother. Literally, I'm almost wanting you to send a picture so that I can be assured she isn't living some double life, which wouldn't surprise me in the least. You're right to not even think about trying to get her admitted. People with personality disorders, particularly with Borderline Personality Disorder have a very keen ability to temporarily turn off the crazy and charm the pants off of anyone. In no time, she'll be out and you'll be the one in the hospital for observation because she "is so very concerned for your well being" and has convinced the staff that YOU'RE the one who has gone bonkers. First of all, you cannot turn off the anger. it doesn't work that way. But you can "release" her. Knowing that you can't fix her or help her. And by not feeding in to her illness, you ARE helping her to some extent. By saying that you're worried and encouraging her to have tests, you are doing the same thing to her illness that she is doing to your Dad. Don't get sucked into that trap. Also know that your father is a grown man who makes choices. He could choose to take better care of himself, but he doesn't. Yes, he has the influence of someone who is literally, but unintentionally, trying to kill him. But he CHOOSES to listen to her Kirmy. You can't fix her and you can't fix him. But what you CAN do is fix YOU! You can free yourself of the guilt and anger and know that each of them has free-will. They will do what they choose in spite of your efforts. So release it. Knowing that you've done all you can. Your weight loss isn't killing your mother. Well, not physically anyway. It is just difficult for her to be around healthy people. Because, you see, healthy people don't "need" her. And she so very desperately needs to be needed. 100% of her value is in being needed by the sick people around her. But you chica, you have BROKEN that chain. Be proud of that. You will never, ever be her. E V E R. One more thing, you need to distance yourself from her. It's hard to begin with, but it's what you need to do. I had to go to court and testify in front of a judge that she was dangerous to me and my kids so I could get a restraining order. Against my own mother. But I don't regret it. It had to be done. I had to get away from her. You need to get away from her too. See, I knew there was a reason I had such a girl-crush on you. It was a sisterly thing. Yeh those bloody onions! All very good advice girly. I cut Mum out of my life totally for about two years. Ironically she made contact when I was off my face on morphine post op from my DS. I just let her prattle on and grunted occasionally. To cut a long, tedious and annoying story short I have kept a tentative contact with my parents because my Uncle is dying of malignant melanoma, my sister is having ongoing surgery for cancer of the parathyroid, uterine fibroids and fighting with her clotting disorder on top of all of this. I need to know that Dad is emotionally coping with these stresses, I need my sister and my Uncle not to be in the middle of a war zone while they fight their own battles. Having said that I live on another continent on the other side of the world from them and can chose not to return calls or open emails.
|
|
|
Post by zoetrope on Jan 8, 2012 17:00:21 GMT -5
I don't have any advice for you, but I'm so sorry that you are in this tough spot.
|
|
|
Post by chicarita on Jan 8, 2012 17:08:57 GMT -5
Good Lord. I'm so sorry about your Uncle and your sister. Jees Louise, when it rains it pours.
Amazing that half a world away is still not far enough some times, huh?
Sorry you're dealing with a looney. Do your best to not tie up your emotions in her.
<hugs>
|
|
|
Post by hoosiermama on Jan 8, 2012 17:10:57 GMT -5
Geographic separation does wonders You are a good, funny and wonderful person Kirmy. Know that more than anything else.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2012 17:45:19 GMT -5
Kirmy, honey.....If you were in any danger of turning into your mother, you wouldn't have that fear. You'd be oblivious. You have caused NOTHING. We are the masters of our fates and you know this. It is horrible that it is too late for your father, but he chose this path. Stay on the other side of the world, treat them with as much politeness as you'd give a stranger for the sake of your other family, and continue, as you have clearly already done, to build your family of CHOICE.
|
|
Janis
Full Member
Non surgical
Posts: 118
|
Post by Janis on Jan 8, 2012 17:49:21 GMT -5
Kirmy,
It's serenity prayer time. Take care of yourself.
Janis
|
|
emalee
Junior Member
Posts: 62
|
Post by emalee on Jan 8, 2012 17:49:47 GMT -5
Wowzers. Do whatever makes you feel better. Hugs.
|
|
|
Post by bldeck on Jan 8, 2012 17:54:37 GMT -5
Its ok Kirmy, I believe it is there job to fuck with us. Now saying that your mom is bat shit crazy. Do Not, I repeat DO NOT listen to her. After everything we have gone through to get our surgeries and to be successful, taking her words to heart or head will only hurt you.
Keep the faith in your surgery!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2012 17:56:42 GMT -5
Oh my Kirmy I cannot imagine. It isn't your fault, seems Mom needs to find some mental health help to deal with her issues. Sorry your Dad is in that situation.
Seems selfish and self-serving of Mom...try, we hard as it can be, to just be YOU and know you deserve to be happy. My mouth dropped opening in shock reading how you and your sister are being treated.
Big hugs
|
|
|
Post by Heather on Jan 8, 2012 17:59:12 GMT -5
I am so sorry Kirmy.
|
|
momx4
Full Member
Posts: 162
|
Post by momx4 on Jan 8, 2012 17:59:59 GMT -5
I'm saddened that a wonderful person such as yourself doesn't have a wonderful mother too! I had an awesome mom who died too soon and I miss and grieve for her daily....I can not imagine living with a mom such as you describe.
I have no words of wisdom for you other than YOU TURNED OUT GREAT DISPITE her craziness!!! YOUR AN ANGEL! And your an INSPIRATION to ME and MANY OTHERS!! Don't forget it!
|
|
|
Post by karenflorida on Jan 8, 2012 18:05:19 GMT -5
Kirmy, hugs, sorry you are going through this! While I do not have mental illness issues with my immediate family, there have been some close relatives with substance abuse issues and I know how helpless and frustrated that makes me feel. I can only imagine my rage if someone was directly being injured as a result, and I could do nothing. But, it sounds like that is the case. I would say your anger is appropriate and is probably protecting you from becoming even more emotionally involved than you are. Please hang in there. You are a good person, charming, funny, intelligent, compassionate. There is no way you are like her.
Karen
|
|
|
Post by scoob on Jan 8, 2012 18:22:40 GMT -5
Kirmy, so sorry you're dealing with this. My so-called-dad is just as bad in his ways. This is why I have recently decided to just write him off! I'm almost 34 years old and he left when I was 4. So for 30 years I have been fighting to be a part of his life. He is a self absorbed SOB and will die a lonely man. I have already deleted his entire clan from my online life and blocked them. I will not subject myself or my children to him any longer. He is NOT worth it and I have come to find that I AM worth it! I deserve better. I will only be surrounding myself by people who love me. I do not ask for respect anymore, I do not beg for respect anymore, by god I DEMAND it! If you can't deal with those conditions then stay the hell away from me! This is my New Years PROMISE to myself and my family! It's scary to think about at first but then I realize that the elderly lady across the street is better to me then he is! I don't need that shit in my life anymore! I know this has come off as a rant but it was more meant as my opinion with an example! You don't need this shit sweetie. You're a corker but a very sweet person. You are NOT and will NOT be her. She taught you better then that! That's the only thing my dad taught me, is what NOT to be! Hugs sweetie!! BIG ol HUGS
Ruby
|
|
|
Post by stefaski on Jan 8, 2012 18:45:58 GMT -5
I can't offer any practical advice but I will offer you support; you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. If your personality is anything like your posts, you are a funny as hell, caring and compassionate woman. Just from seeing the volume and the support from this thread, you have made quite a profound impact on those around you.
Have you heard of the prose poem "Desiderata"?
"Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
|
|
|
Post by smokinstella on Jan 8, 2012 20:00:43 GMT -5
Big hugs to you Kirmy.
I feel your pain my mother is a psycho who I eventually cut out of my life. She sounds just like yours and I hate to say it but I look forward to the day when the cops come to my door to tell me she has died.
I knew my home life as a child wasn't right but I had no clue till I was on my own and could step back and see the dysfunction for what it really was. The fact that I was able to see that once out, reassures me that I wont end up like her, just like you wont end up like your mother.
|
|