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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:08:19 GMT -5
Oh my Kirmy I cannot imagine. It isn't your fault, seems Mom needs to find some mental health help to deal with her issues. Sorry your Dad is in that situation. Seems selfish and self-serving of Mom...try, we hard as it can be, to just be YOU and know you deserve to be happy. My mouth dropped opening in shock reading how you and your sister are being treated. Big hugs Thanks blossom. You've all given me great compassion and perspective when I was feeling alone and besieged.
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:09:01 GMT -5
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:10:27 GMT -5
I'm saddened that a wonderful person such as yourself doesn't have a wonderful mother too! I had an awesome mom who died too soon and I miss and grieve for her daily....I can not imagine living with a mom such as you describe. I have no words of wisdom for you other than YOU TURNED OUT GREAT DISPITE her craziness!!! YOUR AN ANGEL! And your an INSPIRATION to ME and MANY OTHERS!! Don't forget it! Oh you are so sweet honey. It makes me nervous to be held up as any sort of ideal. I'm a poor excuse for a DSer. Truly i'm a fucking nightmare.
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:11:20 GMT -5
Kirmy, hugs, sorry you are going through this! While I do not have mental illness issues with my immediate family, there have been some close relatives with substance abuse issues and I know how helpless and frustrated that makes me feel. I can only imagine my rage if someone was directly being injured as a result, and I could do nothing. But, it sounds like that is the case. I would say your anger is appropriate and is probably protecting you from becoming even more emotionally involved than you are. Please hang in there. You are a good person, charming, funny, intelligent, compassionate. There is no way you are like her. Karen Karen you are kind and wise. That is a good combination.
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:12:23 GMT -5
Kirmy, so sorry you're dealing with this. My so-called-dad is just as bad in his ways. This is why I have recently decided to just write him off! I'm almost 34 years old and he left when I was 4. So for 30 years I have been fighting to be a part of his life. He is a self absorbed SOB and will die a lonely man. I have already deleted his entire clan from my online life and blocked them. I will not subject myself or my children to him any longer. He is NOT worth it and I have come to find that I AM worth it! I deserve better. I will only be surrounding myself by people who love me. I do not ask for respect anymore, I do not beg for respect anymore, by god I DEMAND it! If you can't deal with those conditions then stay the hell away from me! This is my New Years PROMISE to myself and my family! It's scary to think about at first but then I realize that the elderly lady across the street is better to me then he is! I don't need that shit in my life anymore! I know this has come off as a rant but it was more meant as my opinion with an example! You don't need this shit sweetie. You're a corker but a very sweet person. You are NOT and will NOT be her. She taught you better then that! That's the only thing my dad taught me, is what NOT to be! Hugs sweetie!! BIG ol HUGS Ruby Ruby putting yourself and the people you love first is the least you can do. Kudos to you. xx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2012 4:59:58 GMT -5
My mother is a whack-a-doo. But we have talked about how she choses to live her life, and how I don't agree with the choices she has made for herself, including her weight. She will be 80 in three months, is MO (possibly SMO - she won't tell me how much she weighs - I'm guessing significantly north of 300). She is diabetic, hypertensive, hypercholesterolemic, CHF, has edema (her legs and feet are a horror show) - and won't do a damned thing about it, not even take her meds regularly, or wear her pressure stockings. Five years ago, I got Rabkin to consider doing a DS on her - and she backed out. She didn't want to stop eating the way she likes to eat.
What she told me is that even if I didn't agree, it's her life, and she choses to live it the way she wants. If it hurts when she does that, she doesn't do that. She won't do the most basic things to help herself, including gentle physical therapy to keep herself mobile. She prefers to sit in her recliner (she can't lay down even to sleep), and just let her days go by. She is not altered - it is just her. She's always been this way.
She has set things up with social services so that she has a nursing home to go to when she can no longer manage in her retirement apartment with assistance. This is her choice.
It kills me to accept it. I live 3000 miles away, but see her 4-6 times a year when I go back to VA on business. My sister lives near her, and has a similar passive view on her life - and she is the one who deals with Mom most of the time. So I need to - and am trying to - accept her decision and try to not let it bother me (much).
It sounds like your father is complicit in their insanity. It is their choice. CHOICE. It is not your choice, nor is it your choice to make.
It is horribly difficult to internalize and believe that they are doing what they want for themselves, when you know it is not in their best interests. But you need to grok that it is THEIR interests, and their interests are not the same as yours would be under the same circumstances. If they wanted to do things differently, they would. If they wanted to make you happy with their choices, they would make different ones. But you are north of 30 years old and they launched you and now they are living their life. THEIR life. They are entitled to do that, for as long as they are capable of making their wishes known.
I hate this shit, right along with you.
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Post by MsVee on Jan 9, 2012 6:39:11 GMT -5
The only behaviors we can control are our own. You are not your Mother! You have seen the devastation she causes and you have chosen a different path. Stay focused and keep striving for the healthy life you deserve. Accept what you cannot change. Allow yourself to express the emotions and move on.
MsVee
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Post by ratkity on Jan 9, 2012 7:56:45 GMT -5
Whenever I go through a major change and find myself with a little down time, I too, pick at old wounds and allow my mother and sisters (and all those other bullies) to play around rent free in my head.
Whenever I find that I'm doing something new, I want someone to tell me it's ok to be afraid and what I'm doing is so cool AND to just wait cuz some more cool things are gonna happen.
So Kirmy, I'm here to hold you and wrap you in a warm blankie and tell you it's ok to be a little apprehensive about this major change in your life and don't worry, it's gonna be fun and rewarding. Fear knocked, courage answered, and nothing was there. Now, have yourself a warm cuppa tea and relax (or try).
Hugs, Ratkity
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yorkie
Junior Member
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Post by yorkie on Jan 9, 2012 9:14:48 GMT -5
Oh Kirms I hear ya on this. I know you are right about personality disorder patients, they are the most difficult patients to diagnose and are often the most manipulative and have the most chronic and enduring condition. She needs to be needed as you have said hence the Muchausens and abuse of the situation with your dad. You CANNOT make her well but you can stay well and happy - that is the best antidote to her sickness. This kind of condition will mean she has no concept of how her sickness hurts others and she isnt capable of remorse or empathy.... This starving herself may or may not resolve itself if no one feeds the fire but ultimately all you can do is take care of yourself.
I recently had to withdraw from the relationship with my Mum due to her control issues, and found out that she had been manipulating things to suit her agenda to my detriment. Her partner of 37 years (who also raised me) has been diagnosed with late stage stomach cancer and she has turned her against me and its likely that she will pass away without my seeing her or saying goodbye. We have no control over this kind of pathology and we live each day with its legacy, but I believe that for good or bad it shapes who we become as adults. I don;t think its a coincidence that I became a children & families social worker and therapist and its probably no coincidence that you became a nurse. This in and of itself is evidence we are NOT like them.....
I know it sucks that you can't help your dad, its one of life's biggest frustations that you cannot make someone accept help......
Sending you big hugs honey, you are a special person.
Yorkie xx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2012 12:25:26 GMT -5
Thanks EN. I'm in a Travelodge sitting picking at my emotional scars like a neurotic budgie just about to start the new chapter in my life. Times like this all I can think about is the total drama of my weird family. Madness! Go find some new friends at a pretty little pub and taste some NZ beer for me. But no drinking to the point of amnesia, because your assignment is to come back and make me some recommendations so I can try a couple from my local international beer place. Dr. EN has prescribed. Now go forth. You are doing a GOOD THING. The only down side is that you're in the same hemisphere as your wacko parent. But at least you'll be well off into the realms where she can't get at you.
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Post by happycatbert on Jan 9, 2012 12:44:30 GMT -5
So very, very sorry you have to deal with this. My mother, although at times a bit judgy and annoying, is truly a gift to me. I should remember to tell her that. Sending hugs - wish I could help
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Janis
Full Member
Non surgical
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Post by Janis on Jan 9, 2012 13:12:17 GMT -5
Kirmy, It's serenity prayer time. Take care of yourself. Janis Does it matter that I'm a staunch atheist? How about I do breathing instead? Me, I'm agnostic but it still helps me. Just leave off God and start with Grant me..... Take care of yourself, Janis
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 13:24:40 GMT -5
My mother is a whack-a-doo. But we have talked about how she chooses to live her life, and how I don't agree with the choices she has made for herself, including her weight. She will be 80 in three months, is MO (possibly SMO - she won't tell me how much she weighs - I'm guessing significantly north of 300). She is diabetic, hypertensive, hypercholesterolemic, CHF, has edema (her legs and feet are a horror show) - and won't do a damned thing about it, not even take her meds regularly, or wear her pressure stockings. Five years ago, I got Rabkin to consider doing a DS on her - and she backed out. She didn't want to stop eating the way she likes to eat. What she told me is that even if I didn't agree, it's her life, and she choses to live it the way she wants. If it hurts when she does that, she doesn't do that. She won't do the most basic things to help herself, including gentle physical therapy to keep herself mobile. She prefers to sit in her recliner (she can't lay down even to sleep), and just let her days go by. She is not altered - it is just her. She's always been this way. She has set things up with social services so that she has a nursing home to go to when she can no longer manage in her retirement apartment with assistance. This is her choice. It kills me to accept it. I live 3000 miles away, but see her 4-6 times a year when I go back to VA on business. My sister lives near her, and has a similar passive view on her life - and she is the one who deals with Mom most of the time. So I need to - and am trying to - accept her decision and try to not let it bother me (much). It sounds like your father is complicit in their insanity. It is their choice. CHOICE. It is not your choice, nor is it your choice to make. It is horribly difficult to internalize and believe that they are doing what they want for themselves, when you know it is not in their best interests. But you need to grok that it is THEIR interests, and their interests are not the same as yours would be under the same circumstances. If they wanted to do things differently, they would. If they wanted to make you happy with their choices, they would make different ones. But you are north of 30 years old and they launched you and now they are living their life. THEIR life. They are entitled to do that, for as long as they are capable of making their wishes known. I hate this shit, right along with you. Yes you are right Mummaceta (is that how you spell it....love that word). I cannot change them. I sometimes feel such a crippling sense of panic about it though. I have let go of trying to micromanage Dad's health so he won't drop dead leaving me with Satan all by myself but fuck it....I've always been by myself no matter how I gloss it. I am being neurotic because I'm changing my life and reflecting on all the achy bits. I guess its my way of letting it go bit by bit. The bit about Mum starving herself is frightening though...mainly as i just don't feel any remorse about it. I feel guilty that I don't care if she lives or dies and know when she finally does kick it I'll grieve all over again that I never had any maternal care or love. I'm just a soft bastard. When you speak to Sue tell her she can be my surrogate arse kicker, I anoint you my virtual Jewish Mother and Phylis is my Italian Mumma, with Kingy bringing up the rear as my wing man I couldn't be a more secure girl could I? Sometimes you just don't see how much love is in your life when you're too busy looking at the dark bits.
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 13:25:13 GMT -5
The only behaviors we can control are our own. You are not your Mother! You have seen the devastation she causes and you have chosen a different path. Stay focused and keep striving for the healthy life you deserve. Accept what you cannot change. Allow yourself to express the emotions and move on. MsVee Thank you Ms Vee
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 13:27:26 GMT -5
Whenever I go through a major change and find myself with a little down time, I too, pick at old wounds and allow my mother and sisters (and all those other bullies) to play around rent free in my head. Whenever I find that I'm doing something new, I want someone to tell me it's ok to be afraid and what I'm doing is so cool AND to just wait cuz some more cool things are gonna happen. So Kirmy, I'm here to hold you and wrap you in a warm blankie and tell you it's ok to be a little apprehensive about this major change in your life and don't worry, it's gonna be fun and rewarding. Fear knocked, courage answered, and nothing was there. Now, have yourself a warm cuppa tea and relax (or try). Hugs, Ratkity You know Ratkity I actually felt that soft warm blanket and your little arms about my shoulders when I read that. Ahhh just lovely thank you my darling heart. On a brighter note my Off Shore Medic course is fucking awesome and I have made loads of mates already and we're just about to go out for curry. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 13:28:27 GMT -5
Ohhh Kirmy. You've been such an inspiration to me thru my journey. You are so funny and look AMAZING. You are smart and know exactly what you need to do about her. Oh yeah, and you being even remotely worried about this shows that you are NOTHING like her. Hugs! HUGS HUGS HUGS and MORE HUGS!
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 13:30:58 GMT -5
Oh Kirms I hear ya on this. I know you are right about personality disorder patients, they are the most difficult patients to diagnose and are often the most manipulative and have the most chronic and enduring condition. She needs to be needed as you have said hence the Muchausens and abuse of the situation with your dad. You CANNOT make her well but you can stay well and happy - that is the best antidote to her sickness. This kind of condition will mean she has no concept of how her sickness hurts others and she isnt capable of remorse or empathy.... This starving herself may or may not resolve itself if no one feeds the fire but ultimately all you can do is take care of yourself. I recently had to withdraw from the relationship with my Mum due to her control issues, and found out that she had been manipulating things to suit her agenda to my detriment. Her partner of 37 years (who also raised me) has been diagnosed with late stage stomach cancer and she has turned her against me and its likely that she will pass away without my seeing her or saying goodbye. We have no control over this kind of pathology and we live each day with its legacy, but I believe that for good or bad it shapes who we become as adults. I don;t think its a coincidence that I became a children & families social worker and therapist and its probably no coincidence that you became a nurse. This in and of itself is evidence we are NOT like them..... I know it sucks that you can't help your dad, its one of life's biggest frustations that you cannot make someone accept help...... Sending you big hugs honey, you are a special person. Yorkie xx Oh yorkie I had no idea you were going through this nonsense. That is devastating honey. I guess we are in the same boat babe. Best we look out for each other and leave the evil arses to their own devices. I would hate not being able to feel for others. In some ways my Mum is crippled beyond belief and I'm the lucky one. Sending you my love dear. Come home and visit me some day soon. xxx
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 13:34:02 GMT -5
Thanks EN. I'm in a Travelodge sitting picking at my emotional scars like a neurotic budgie just about to start the new chapter in my life. Times like this all I can think about is the total drama of my weird family. Madness! Go find some new friends at a pretty little pub and taste some NZ beer for me. But no drinking to the point of amnesia, because your assignment is to come back and make me some recommendations so I can try a couple from my local international beer place. Dr. EN has prescribed. Now go forth. You are doing a GOOD THING. The only down side is that you're in the same hemisphere as your wacko parent. But at least you'll be well off into the realms where she can't get at you. Dr EN, OBE,ESQ,VC, I am just about to go out with the funny fuckers from my Off Shore Medic course. I plan to eat LOTS AND LOTS of curry and drink beer but none of the New Zealand Lion brand shit....blahhhhhh. I won't be repeating my New Years liver failure attempt any time in the near future. I think reducing myself to a vegetable once a year is plenty. p.s. I'm having loads of fun on my course and cannot wait to go off shore and knock about with the big bad blokes.
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 13:34:33 GMT -5
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sweetnessandgrace
Full Member
I was just about to pull the trigger, then I found out about the DS.
Posts: 119
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Post by sweetnessandgrace on Jan 9, 2012 16:21:14 GMT -5
My dear little thistle bee! I'm not going to pretend I know what you are feeling, or how the dynamics of your family affect you, but I will tell you this. I have had reasons in the past to have, shall we say, STRONG feelings about certain members of my family, and some friends to boot. After loathing myself for hating these people I had to boil it down to this...if so-and-so (mother, brother, sister, friend) died tonight, what would I feel...sad? happy? indifferent? relieved? After deciding what I would feel, I acted accordingly. If that person dying would make me unhappy or sad then I sucked it up and extended the proverbial olive branch. Otherwise, let them go. Life really is too short and some people just don't deserve a single minute of that precious time wasted on them.
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Post by cbarker on Jan 9, 2012 16:26:06 GMT -5
(((hugs))) Kirmy
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Post by beth28 on Jan 9, 2012 18:49:40 GMT -5
Kirmy,
I can't really say much that hasn't alread been said, but ((hugs))! I have always envied people who's mothers or fathers are their best friends. I can't in all honesty say that I've had anywhere near what you've experienced, but I also have a dysfunctional family.
My dad's second wife never let him around my sister and I if she could help it. That was always a great source of sadness to me, and now he's dead so... My mother...well I don't remember too many hugs from her when I was young. We always clashed because I had a mind of my own....I was the blacksheep of the family. I get along ok with my mom now, but she has become a hoarder...a real life hoarder. Not the kind that doesn't throw bad food away or lives in filth, but she stores things and keeps things that she could never use up in a million years. She still has clothes from 30 years ago that "she might get back into". NOT!
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let them get to you. I can understand you not wanting a family-dividing, all out war, but you have to live YOUR life. You will only make yourself crazy (or crazier if that's the case :-) ) if you beat your head against a brick wall (ie: your mother). I know, and my sister have learned, we can't change our mom...only ourselves.
((hugs again))
Beth
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Post by karenflorida on Jan 10, 2012 17:35:16 GMT -5
On a brighter note my Off Shore Medic course is fucking awesome and I have made loads of mates already and we're just about to go out for curry. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! Now, THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! Enjoy the changes and try not to dwell on what you can't change. Karen
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Post by ratkity on Jan 10, 2012 17:51:38 GMT -5
On a brighter note my Off Shore Medic course is fucking awesome and I have made loads of mates already and we're just about to go out for curry. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! Now, THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! Enjoy the changes and try not to dwell on what you can't change. Karen OMGosh, so true dat. I wanna know what you are learning!!! I need descriptions of the cutie mates and that curry sounds fabbo. Hugs, always, Ratkity
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Post by dtabor5 on Jan 11, 2012 14:26:01 GMT -5
Kirmy,
I wish I could give you words of wisdom and make everything alright, but I can't just like you can't make her act right....
Your dad is a grown man and he knows what is going on, but he chooses to stay in it and you cannot drive yourself crazy about it.
There are people that need, no THRIVE on disaster and it seems she has to have just that.. Kirmy you can be angry, it is normal it is what you do with that anger. Act on it and it makes you no better than her, see it as an emotion and you and your sister hold it together then you are so much the better person for it..
want to scream or vent PM me anytime... you seem to one of the strongest people i have ever had the chance to talk to so i know you will do fine
Denise
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