Raven
New Member
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Post by Raven on Jan 8, 2012 20:23:10 GMT -5
Absolutely 100% NOOOOO! Your mom, quite obviously, has her own issues and there is nothing about you or your success that has caused a negative impact on your mom.
One of the most difficult things to learn for most of us living with family with mental illness is the concept of boundaries. It is very hard to separate "their problems" from "our problems" and be able to say "no, that shit is your issue, not mine." It took me until I was well in my 30s to be able to hold out my hand and say "not MY problem" or " go have your bizarre episode over to the side, please, because although you are trying to make this episode about me it really is ALL ABOUT YOU".
Your mom has problems. Big ones. You are a kind and caring person even when it comes to someone who has abused you. Of course, you start blurring the lines and taking responsibility for things that are obviously not your fault. Of course, her problems overflow onto you and wreak havoc in your life. As someone else here suggested, the only surefire way to stop that from happening is to cut her completely out of your life. I never found that an option in my situation. Even if I had stopped talking with my problem person, the impact of that persons behaviour on my mom and my siblings and their emotional upset would always have impacted me.
What you can do is try to put up small boundaries and separate yourself while still dealing with your mom. You can also see a therapist so that you have an outlet to rant at. I sometimes hate when I see people say "see a therapist". What I mean by this though is that it can be really liberating to pay a trained professional to listen to you scream and cry out your anger at your mom and then respond with validation that the problem is them and not you. Sometimes these therapists have some pretty darn good tips on how to help deal with the situation as well.
Of course, I think boards like this one server much the same purpose. You can rant here, cry here and there are (mostly) loving people who will listen and try to offer some help. I, personally, found it a good use of $60 once a week to be able to scream out my anger unedited until I got a wasn't seething and didn't feel like I was being consumed.
I hope things get better for you. Please know that you aren't alone and others have gone thru things that are similar and come out the other side intact.
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Post by justelizabeth on Jan 8, 2012 20:44:12 GMT -5
You know I love you DEARLY!!! This is in no way your fault.
And I so understand where you are coming from. If my father died tomorrow I would be like "Oh well." Like your mother, he made his choices. He set this in place. It is NOT our falut!!!
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Post by Sandra C. on Jan 8, 2012 21:25:28 GMT -5
Has your mom been evaluated by mental health experts? She sounds like my mom, similar controlling personality. In her early 70's I had to move her and my dad into my house to help them with healthy food choices. She would devise ways not to eat. Gave most of her plate to the dog secretly. Poor dog, gained 20 lbs!!! her weight dropped into the 90's. I made her calorie packed shakes, and quiche. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and would physically hurt my dad. there are medications for this her doctor gave her, but I found Tylenol PM to be the best help. Changed her angry moods to pleasant behavior. Seek help, you can't handle your parents alone as they age with dementia type behavior. I am an only child, alone handled my parents in my home 4 years until they passed. The stress on me was indescribable. I'm sure the stress contributed to my developing cancer and needing surgery ( complete cure). The weight I gained during this time prompted me to seek WLS. Take care of yourself!!!
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Psyche
Full Member
DS ♦ 08/06/2009
Posts: 118
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Post by Psyche on Jan 8, 2012 22:46:18 GMT -5
Oh Kirmy, I am so sorry you are having to deal with that. It sucks giant hairy monkey balls.  You are amazing. |
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Post by sinkim on Jan 8, 2012 23:00:39 GMT -5
My mum is a mild fruitcake in comparison and I can't imagine having had to deal with this.
Intellectually I'm sure you know that your WLS success has nothing to do with her actions - if it wasn't that, it would be something else.
I get the whole living on the other side of the world - here's a reason why I live across the pond - I have no intention of ever moving back, and I think you have made a wise decision in living where you do!!!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2012 23:10:07 GMT -5
All I can offer is ((hugs))
I can't imagine and hon, you are 100% not to blame!
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wonkad
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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Post by wonkad on Jan 8, 2012 23:19:18 GMT -5
((((KIRMY))))
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Post by Happy DSr on Jan 8, 2012 23:33:41 GMT -5
sometimes I wish life had an "ignore" button. That way we could block the hurtful people.
huggs
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2012 23:43:58 GMT -5
Nah, she's just nuckin' futz!
I'm sure you'll deal with this with your usual panache and aplomb. Vent away and carry on.
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:25:14 GMT -5
Kirmy, honey.....If you were in any danger of turning into your mother, you wouldn't have that fear. You'd be oblivious. You have caused NOTHING. We are the masters of our fates and you know this. It is horrible that it is too late for your father, but he chose this path. Stay on the other side of the world, treat them with as much politeness as you'd give a stranger for the sake of your other family, and continue, as you have clearly already done, to build your family of CHOICE.  [/q Thanks EN. I'm in a Travelodge sitting picking at my emotional scars like a neurotic budgie just about to start the new chapter in my life. Times like this all I can think about is the total drama of my weird family. Madness! |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:29:35 GMT -5
Nah, she's just nuckin' futz! I'm sure you'll deal with this with your usual panache and aplomb. Vent away and carry on. LOL. Perfect. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:30:23 GMT -5
sometimes I wish life had an "ignore" button. That way we could block the hurtful people. huggs Cheers love. |
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kingy
Full Member
Posts: 213
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Post by kingy on Jan 9, 2012 1:31:16 GMT -5
I turn my back for 5 seconds and you went and let her into your head, didn't you? Repeat after me "I am not my mother, I will never be my mother, my mother is a sociopath with delusions of grandeur who believes she can communicate with the dead, not to mention aliens". Your dad (bless him) has made his own bed and is also his own person, he would have done things differently if he really wanted to. It's very sad and I feel for him and you but unfortunately it's probably too late. You'd never get her committed, you know what that process is like in Australia, the best you could do is lodge a protection order but your dad would probably tell them everything is fine and send them away. Life for you at the moment is full of change and soon to be full of new opportunities and greater achievements, don't let the big G turn you into a victim dear one. Put her on the backburner and turn all this negative energy she has flowing over to you, into positive energy and direct it at your studies and making your life even richer than it already is. When it comes time to go home for a visit, you will let me know and we will stand side by side (literally) against the storm and come away that much stronger. Now go and wash your brain and body in hibiscrub, madness is contagious and she's been oozing all over you.  Love always Kingy |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:31:28 GMT -5
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:32:29 GMT -5
All I can offer is ((hugs)) I can't imagine and hon, you are 100% not to blame! Hugs appreciated! |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:35:49 GMT -5
My mum is a mild fruitcake in comparison and I can't imagine having had to deal with this. Intellectually I'm sure you know that your WLS success has nothing to do with her actions - if it wasn't that, it would be something else. I get the whole living on the other side of the world - here's a reason why I live across the pond - I have no intention of ever moving back, and I think you have made a wise decision in living where you do!!! Hi Kim! Yeh I have to say not being in her direct influence has saved some of my gray matter from herniation. Her behavior is extreme and being so far away makes me feel powerless but I guess being near her does as well. Double edged sword. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:36:34 GMT -5
Oh Kirmy, I am so sorry you are having to deal with that. It sucks giant hairy monkey balls. You are amazing. Big swinging monkey balls! |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:39:14 GMT -5
Has your mom been evaluated by mental health experts? She sounds like my mom, similar controlling personality. In her early 70's I had to move her and my dad into my house to help them with healthy food choices. She would devise ways not to eat. Gave most of her plate to the dog secretly. Poor dog, gained 20 lbs!!! her weight dropped into the 90's. I made her calorie packed shakes, and quiche. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and would physically hurt my dad. there are medications for this her doctor gave her, but I found Tylenol PM to be the best help. Changed her angry moods to pleasant behavior. Seek help, you can't handle your parents alone as they age with dementia type behavior. I am an only child, alone handled my parents in my home 4 years until they passed. The stress on me was indescribable. I'm sure the stress contributed to my developing cancer and needing surgery ( complete cure). The weight I gained during this time prompted me to seek WLS. Take care of yourself!!! Nope and to honest she'd sail through an evaluation. This has been her behavior and personality since I was a small child. I don't think you can medication for Sociopathy unless it is a dart of tranquiliser given every time she rouses. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:41:10 GMT -5
You know I love you DEARLY!!! This is in no way your fault. And I so understand where you are coming from. If my father died tomorrow I would be like "Oh well." Like your mother, he made his choices. He set this in place. It is NOT our falut!!! I exalted you cause I love ya. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:44:12 GMT -5
Absolutely 100% NOOOOO! Your mom, quite obviously, has her own issues and there is nothing about you or your success that has caused a negative impact on your mom. One of the most difficult things to learn for most of us living with family with mental illness is the concept of boundaries. It is very hard to separate "their problems" from "our problems" and be able to say "no, that shit is your issue, not mine." It took me until I was well in my 30s to be able to hold out my hand and say "not MY problem" or " go have your bizarre episode over to the side, please, because although you are trying to make this episode about me it really is ALL ABOUT YOU". Your mom has problems. Big ones. You are a kind and caring person even when it comes to someone who has abused you. Of course, you start blurring the lines and taking responsibility for things that are obviously not your fault. Of course, her problems overflow onto you and wreak havoc in your life. As someone else here suggested, the only surefire way to stop that from happening is to cut her completely out of your life. I never found that an option in my situation. Even if I had stopped talking with my problem person, the impact of that persons behaviour on my mom and my siblings and their emotional upset would always have impacted me. What you can do is try to put up small boundaries and separate yourself while still dealing with your mom. You can also see a therapist so that you have an outlet to rant at. I sometimes hate when I see people say "see a therapist". What I mean by this though is that it can be really liberating to pay a trained professional to listen to you scream and cry out your anger at your mom and then respond with validation that the problem is them and not you. Sometimes these therapists have some pretty darn good tips on how to help deal with the situation as well. Of course, I think boards like this one server much the same purpose. You can rant here, cry here and there are (mostly) loving people who will listen and try to offer some help. I, personally, found it a good use of $60 once a week to be able to scream out my anger unedited until I got a wasn't seething and didn't feel like I was being consumed. I hope things get better for you. Please know that you aren't alone and others have gone thru things that are similar and come out the other side intact. I've been in and out of therapy for the last several years. It has helped immeasurably. I often use some of the techniques I learned there to deal with her. It is just sometimes I get a sucker punch and revert back to the old feelings. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:46:21 GMT -5
Big hugs to you Kirmy. I feel your pain my mother is a psycho who I eventually cut out of my life. She sounds just like yours and I hate to say it but I look forward to the day when the cops come to my door to tell me she has died. I knew my home life as a child wasn't right but I had no clue till I was on my own and could step back and see the dysfunction for what it really was. The fact that I was able to see that once out, reassures me that I wont end up like her, just like you wont end up like your mother. I don't like feeling so angry though...it is such a consuming emotion. I wish I could be utterly ambivalent on all levels. Meh...what can you do? |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:48:01 GMT -5
Kirmy, I love you but the only person in the world you can change is yourself. I didn't see or speak to my own mother for the last five years of her life. The cost? I lost those five years with my Dad (his choice) and I only had three with him after she died. It was the right (and only) healthy choice. Take care of you. Love, ~Becky Thanks Becky. x |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:49:41 GMT -5
So has my success caused my Mothers eating disorder? No. For whatever reason, your Mother appears to be desperate for attention and is seeking it by whatever means she deems necessary. I'm sorry you're being hurt by this, and feeling helpless to stop it. I think that all you can do is refuse to feed into the illness, as you are now trying to do, and put your own health and happiness first. You are of course right. It is sometimes hard not to get swept along in all the dramatics. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:51:48 GMT -5
Kirmy, It's serenity prayer time. Take care of yourself. Janis Does it matter that I'm a staunch atheist? How about I do breathing instead? |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 1:54:38 GMT -5
I can't offer any practical advice but I will offer you support; you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. If your personality is anything like your posts, you are a funny as hell, caring and compassionate woman. Just from seeing the volume and the support from this thread, you have made quite a profound impact on those around you. Have you heard of the prose poem "Desiderata"? "Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." Just lovely. Can I treat it as a moving poem rather than a prayer? |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:00:39 GMT -5
I turn my back for 5 seconds and you went and let her into your head, didn't you? Repeat after me "I am not my mother, I will never be my mother, my mother is a sociopath with delusions of grandeur who believes she can communicate with the dead, not to mention aliens". Your dad (bless him) has made his own bed and is also his own person, he would have done things differently if he really wanted to. It's very sad and I feel for him and you but unfortunately it's probably too late. You'd never get her committed, you know what that process is like in Australia, the best you could do is lodge a protection order but your dad would probably tell them everything is fine and send them away. Life for you at the moment is full of change and soon to be full of new opportunities and greater achievements, don't let the big G turn you into a victim dear one. Put her on the backburner and turn all this negative energy she has flowing over to you, into positive energy and direct it at your studies and making your life even richer than it already is. When it comes time to go home for a visit, you will let me know and we will stand side by side (literally) against the storm and come away that much stronger. Now go and wash your brain and body in hibiscrub, madness is contagious and she's been oozing all over you. Love always Kingy Those fucking onions! I love you Kingy. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:02:21 GMT -5
So has my success caused my Mothers eating disorder? No. For whatever reason, your Mother appears to be desperate for attention and is seeking it by whatever means she deems necessary. I'm sorry you're being hurt by this, and feeling helpless to stop it. I think that all you can do is refuse to feed into the illness, as you are now trying to do, and put your own health and happiness first. Thanks love you always talk sense. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:03:21 GMT -5
I don't have any advice for you, but I'm so sorry that you are in this tough spot.
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:04:41 GMT -5
Wowzers. Do whatever makes you feel better. Hugs. |
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Post by kirmy on Jan 9, 2012 2:06:45 GMT -5
Its ok Kirmy, I believe it is there job to fuck with us. Now saying that your mom is bat shit crazy. Do Not, I repeat DO NOT listen to her. After everything we have gone through to get our surgeries and to be successful, taking her words to heart or head will only hurt you. Keep the faith in your surgery! I keep taking comfort in dytopian images of the future where we come out of growth pods like hydroponic babies. |
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