A Weird Thought

[maggiesara]

I seem to have cracked through my most recent stall -- I'm down about ten pounds in a few weeks -- and that's great. I weigh 191 pounds, as of this morning, which is BEYOND blowing my mind: This is roughly what I weighed my senior year in college. Granted, I thought I was hideous and that small children would run in horror if they saw me in the street, but even so. The last time I weighed this little was about 20 years ago.

But that's not the weirdness. If things keep progressing -- and I have no particular reason to think they won't -- I will make my goal of 145 pounds. It's just not that far off. And judging from the way my body is dealing with the weight-loss, 145 may in fact be too LOW. Or at least, at 145, I will be a genuinely thin person. And THAT'S the weirdness. I have spent my entire life on a diet. And "on a diet" doesn't just mean that vast amounts of time and energy have been devoted to the All Important Questions of What Should I Eat, What Did I Eat, What Do I Wish I Could Eat, How Can I Manage to Eat It, How Wicked and Loser-ish Am I For Eating It, How Much Can I Eat Before I Start Dieting Again Tomorrow….and etc. "On a diet" also means that there is the promise of tomorrow. In the immediate sense, "tomorrow" means the day I start dieting again and am thus in control. And in the larger sense, "tomorrow" means the day when I will have lost All the Weight and everything will be wonderful and I won't have to shop at Lane Bryant and boys will love me and maybe even my father will love me and maybe maybe even I will love myself. In other words, "dieting" carries the implicit promise of "tomorrow," and "tomorrow" is…..it's hope. Hope on a plate.

How do you function when you no longer have the promise of a tomorrow -- a tomorrow when everything will be different?

[ampt]

New tag line... DS: Redefining Your Tomorrows.

I like it. Motivational. I, too, have been on a diet most of my life (from about 11 years old). I keep saying, "I can't wait until I am not fat anymore." or "Once I lose the weight I will... (fill in the blank)." So, what happens when I am there? What then?

Onwards and upwards (in acheiving goals, not more weight!).

[melanie74]

Loved your post - so well stated ... I struggle with all those thoughts and doubts too. Living a life defined by my weight - always on an upward or downward trend - never at a weight where I could be happy or healthy and just stay there. I am very far away from any end goal so I don't have answers for you - but wanted to say that I'm excited for you - and can't wait to see how those "tomorrows" work out for you!!!!

[newyorkbitch]

It's gonna be a long haul Maggie. Long and rough but with a lot of wonderful in the mix too. Takes a looooong time.

[goodkel]

In the immediate sense, "tomorrow" means the day I start dieting again and am thus in control. And in the larger sense, "tomorrow" means the day when I will have lost All the Weight and everything will be wonderful and I won't have to shop at Lane Bryant and boys will love me and maybe even my father will love me and maybe maybe even I will love myself. In other words, "dieting" carries the implicit promise of "tomorrow," and "tomorrow" is…..it's hope. Hope on a plate.

How do you function when you no longer have the promise of a tomorrow -- a tomorrow when everything will be different?

Congratulations on firmly landing in Onederland!

Losing weight won't fix your relationships with anyone, particularly with yourself. Therapy can help with that.

You are already beautiful. You are smart, funny, caring, and very loveable.

The world is throwing open its doors to you. Tomorrow means whatever you want it to mean, whatever you have dreamed of doing. Take dancing lessons, learn to ski, run a marathon, hike the Appalachian Trail, learn to surf, bellydance, jump out of a plane, go on a walking tour of Europe.

You will find better things to hope for.

[maggiesara]

Tina, are you a therapist by any chance? Or in some other way in one of the "helping" professions? In any case -- and while I do appreciate that you intended your post to be helpful -- I'd appreciate it if you refrained from making assumptions about me (such as whether I have or have not done anything to "bring happiness into [my] life") until you actually know me. Coming from a total stranger, statements about what "I" did or didn't think, did or didn't want, well…..how to put this delicately? They make me want to throw things. If you want to make declarative statements about feelings or desires, make them about yourself.

"You will find better things to hope for"

THAT's lovely. And important, I think. Thanks, Kelly. In retrospect, the saddest thing about having been fat for so long is how much of my life was eaten up (heh) by being fat. So much so that, yeah, my dreams centered around losing weight. And there are indeed better things to hope for.