Am I a failure???

[taylord]

Ok, next year I will be 4 years out. My lowest weight was 193lbs. That was close to 2 years ago. I now weigh 230lbs. I've been depressed and eating crap, I admit it. But, I've still been taking my vitamins and iron infusions and protein shakes.

In 2011, I had two knee surgeries, a medication change, death in the family and have been basically sedentary for a year.

I'm just starting to walk around the house without a cane. I've still got some way to go, but hopefully come Spring; I will be cane free.

I plan on walking like a maniac and hopefully losing this extra weight. I've gained a lot of weight and I know if my mind isn't stable, I don't eat right. I want nothing but potato chips and dip. Literally. I have no desire for food. But I am adding my protein shakes and shrimp and trying to eat healthy.

Soon, my meds will be set and I can get a proper mind set and get back on track. But meanwhile, I feel like such a failure.

I know how to make it right. My DS is still working. It's just that I'm one of those that need to exercise. I hope. I really don't want to have to get a revision.

I'm tired of being cut on. Even when I eat correctly, I can't lose. But I worry if another surgery will kill me. Plus my surgeon is so far away now. UGH!! Sometimes I really hate my life.

I don't know what to do anymore. Yeah, I know time, time, time. BUT HELL! I just want weight to be a non-issue in my life. For once. I'm almost back where I started.

Just not a happy puppy right now...

[Heather]

I am sorry. I have fluctuated up and down quite a few times (I am 7.5 yrs post op) What works for me is the back to basics mindset. I have always been able to lose weight once I got my mind set going.

The sedentary lifestyle definitely works against us. I am a registered nurse and went from a running around the hospital floor doing patient care to a job working at a desk for insurance company. No change in diet but my pants were getting tighter each week, I ended up gaining about 15-20 lbs. My 14s were very tight. Than I went to doing all protein, no sweets, and in like 3 months I weighed less than when I started my job. Yesterday I bought a new pair of jeans size 6. Definitely increasing my exercise has helped, I walk at least 20 miles a week. Just be careful with those knees! Maybe you can start exercising instead with something lower impact. Have you tried yoga? It is a great work out and also shapes your body if you continue it. Good luck to you!

[Heather]

I saw your message under new topics, not realizing it was DS board. I have a band, so you are even more likely to pull yourself out of your weight rut bc of your surgery type.

[ratkity]

Dec 24, 2011 5:36:47 GMT -5 @taylord said:

Ok, next year I will be 4 years out. My lowest weight was 193lbs. That was close to 2 years ago. I now weigh 230lbs. I've been depressed and eating crap, I admit it. But, I've still been taking my vitamins and iron infusions and protein shakes.

In 2011, I had two knee surgeries, a medication change, death in the family and have been basically sedentary for a year.

I'm just starting to walk around the house without a cane. I've still got some way to go, but hopefully come Spring; I will be cane free.

I plan on walking like a maniac and hopefully losing this extra weight. I've gained a lot of weight and I know if my mind isn't stable, I don't eat right. I want nothing but potato chips and dip. Literally. I have no desire for food. But I am adding my protein shakes and shrimp and trying to eat healthy.

Soon, my meds will be set and I can get a proper mind set and get back on track. But meanwhile, I feel like such a failure.

I know how to make it right. My DS is still working. It's just that I'm one of those that need to exercise. I hope. I really don't want to have to get a revision.

I'm tired of being cut on. Even when I eat correctly, I can't lose. But I worry if another surgery will kill me. Plus my surgeon is so far away now. UGH!! Sometimes I really hate my life.

I don't know what to do anymore. Yeah, I know time, time, time. BUT HELL! I just want weight to be a non-issue in my life. For once. I'm almost back where I started.

Just not a happy puppy right now...

Taylor,

I am 2 years out and a "two-parter" DSer. I have lost to 230 from my high of 350 lbs on my journey. Your post described my last 9 months of my life: Stress, depression and loss of a dear family member. I am going to therapy and it is helping. I know my DS is working because without it, I'd have gone up in weight significantly. Instead, I gained less than 20 and then recently lost it by following the basic DS tenants (high quality protein first).

You are not a failure. Make that your mantra. Back to basics is the key.

1. See how far you have come
2. Consider therapy
3. Push protein
4. Don't isolate and post how you are doing.

Hugs,
Ratkity

[kirmy]

Are you a failure? Do you want to be? Really the bottom line is looking at your behavior and working out if on some level it is easier for you to go back to patterns of behavior that have effectively put you into a sick role. Do you want to be the helpless invalid? Is that it?

You should be looking at swimming or at least walking back and forth in a pool to build up your muscles after your knee replacements. No one will make light of how difficult recovery from that surgery is least of all me but there are some worrying behaviors surrounding this. You're rehabilitation should start the day after surgery and continue on every single day.

A) you're not doing any rehab so how do you expect your muscles to support the new prosthesis's? Your quadriceps muscle starts wasting away only 14 days after surgery. You should be moving period to stop this wastage lest the entire process be for naught. You are setting yourself up for a very uncomfortable and unpleasant future.

B) You state you don't want to eat but seem to have a ready supply of crisps and dips. How do you get them? Who gets them for you and WHY?

C) You don't indicate anywhere that you are getting in sufficient protein (you mentioned shakes but not how many). So by slipping into protein malnutrition you'll slip deeper into depression, inactivity and be a self fulfilling prophecy. This is silly. I should know I've been fucking stupid as well. I have been non-complaint for long periods of this journey and I know how and why. I do everything in my power not to be. I decide on days off when I'll eat shit then I WON'T. I'll make sure my body gets the nutrtion it needs to survive. In doing this I've lost almost 200lbs. I know that as time goes on the days of eating shit will be reeled in based on my weight.

The bottom line is that you have EVERY chance of slimming right down by only cutting out crisps and increasing protein. You need to get off you tired lazy and ketosis riddled arse and prepare food EVERY DAY that is protein based period. You also need to get someone close to stick their foot up your arse and get you to a local pool to work out. Build up your exercise weekly until your pain is minimal, you have good tendon stretch and you can walk unaided.

I have great empathy for you which is why I'm saying pick yourself the fuck up and get on with it. If you don't then and only then are you a failure. And the responsibility lays at your feet.

Come on get going. Your DS wants you to make it. This community wants you to make it but NONE of us have any time for the poor-me's shit. We are all at some point poor-me's so we alllllll know how easy it is to sit infront of the TV and eat and blame our misery on any number of factors that exsist outside of ourselves. Get therapy, get moving, get some self love and get going!

[cajunman3366]

well said Kirmy~!

[hoosiermama]

Short Answer...NO.

We are taught that its' all our fault. Now we are the ones not doing this or doing too much of that but I have thin friends that do the same and never get fat.

Pull yourself outta the slump, stop playing the blame/guilt game and set a goal and work toward it. In the meantime, know that you are a good person and a success.

Have a great holiday!

me

[sandyv63]

There's nothing I can really add that hasn't been said already. I just want to make one practical suggestion. I'm thinking the dip is probably ok if it is protein based and not loaded with sugars. If so, make your own that is protein based sans the sugar. Instead of chips, use pork rinds. That's my real suggestion. There is an amazing amount of protein in pork rinds and ironically it may help you to get back on track.

If cooking is a chore, make a pot full of hard boiled eggs. You'll always have a protein snack available to you. Also, get a small roast and throw it in the crock pot with some red wine for amazing flavor. You'll have meat for days. You'll be surprised how often you'll return to the crock pot to graze on the meat. I've been doing it all day the past 2 days.

[taylord]

I wasn't completely clear in my post. I've just finished 9 months of physical therapy. I've had issues with my knees with what's called "binding". So walking is difficult, but I do do it. As well as daily exercises to loosen my knees.

I eat all types of protein, including shakes. I'm making changes and I know it's gonna take time.

The problem is mind set. I am bipolar and also take many psych drugs which add weight etc. so, I'm fighting that. But it doesn't mean it can't be done.

I'm just gonna have to get hard core and do this! You are all so right. No excuses.

[provolisa]

Well, Taylord,

My Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type out-does your bipolar, and I manage to do what I need to do. So, stop using that as an excuse!

We are really blessed, that there are many medication options available for people like us these days, so if a particular medication puts weight on you, (and some of those psych meds definitely do) then get your prescriber to substitute another med for those! It is not hard for him or her to do.

Other than that, I think there is a lot of great advice here. Realize that you are not alone. We care about you, or else we would not have bothered to reply! Quit eating crap, find a pool, and wipe off your tears. You reached out, and now the good stuff can begin.

~Lisa

p.s. I worked my way out of a wheelchair I had been in for 15 years, a couple of years ago, by walking back and forth for 2 1/2 hours each day in armpit-deep water in a pool! It is a miracle-working exercise.

[taylord]

Umm. I'm not looking for excuses or pity, ok. I'm just saying it's a factor in my life. I know what I have to do and I plan on doing it. I've not given my whole story, so don't judge me or the degree of my illness. You and I are different and I take great offense to being accused of USING my illness as an excuse. So, please don't go there.

That said...

I appreciate the advice given and will use it. I do not feel comfortable enough here to go into ALL the aspects of my life. So I'll cut this short. Thank you for the positive responses from those meaning well. I have heard what has been said and will do what needs to be done. OUT...

[Deleted]

I lost from 293 to 205 in the first year - and stopped dead. For 2+ years I easily maintained 205, but was not willing to do anything to change how I was eating or (not) exercising. And I was a little disappointed but content. Shopping in the normal sized clothes.

At 3.3 years out, I had shoulder surgery - I have no idea why, but I started slooooowly losing weight again. Added some exercise, and a couple of years later I was at 170.

Then I had the first round of 3 planned reconstructive surgeries - just most of the facial procedures and brachioplasty, but the doc put me on percosets and reglan, and I started having psych issues that did not go away after discontinuing meds. Was put on Celexa and i gained 35 lbs. Stopped the Celexa.

I have lost 10 of those lbs, sitting at around 195. No exercise at the moment, planning to change that soon. Watching carbs to some extent (sometimes, watching my hand as I put them in my mouth). I need to get my ass in gear.

I trust my DS - it puts me on an even playing field with normies. For me, it's not a free pass, but a help that makes trying worth it. When I feel like trying, that is.

I'm 8+ years out.

[taylord]

Thanks Diana. I trust my DS too. It's gonna take some doing, but I can do it. 175 is about where I wanna be eventually. There is no time limit. I have to keep telling myself that and just keep doing.

[Deleted]

Y'know Taylor, you've been singing this same song for, um, how long now?

If you want to believe that you are a failure because you are not at x pounds or whatever, that's your CHOICE. See that word? CHOICE.

You CHOOSE what you put in your mouth. You have a lot less choice about how much you can move, yes. But you have SOME choice in the matter.

It's getting to be about time for you to look outside your little narrow world of "I am mentally ill and therefore....(fill in the blank)" and do more of the things you CAN do.

Remember I am saying this as someone who is on meds and who has been in therapy for 20 years. Pull yourself out of your hole and use your intelligence. Only YOU can do this.

The more you bury yourself in this ridiculous circular thinking, the worse you'll feel.

It does. not. MATTER what size you are. You have lost a shitload of weight, become able to get those poor worn out knees replaced, and otherwise gotten some major new leases on life and health. And yet here you are in the same hole.

Guess who can change your location? YOU.

[Deleted]

Dec 24, 2011 12:42:25 GMT -5 @taylord said:

I wasn't completely clear in my post. I've just finished 9 months of physical therapy. I've had issues with my knees with what's called "binding". So walking is difficult, but I do do it. As well as daily exercises to loosen my knees.

I eat all types of protein, including shakes. I'm making changes and I know it's gonna take time.

The problem is mind set. I am bipolar and also take many psych drugs which add weight etc. so, I'm fighting that. But it doesn't mean it can't be done.

I'm just gonna have to get hard core and do this! You are all so right. No excuses.

Oh fergawdsake Taylor. Quit lying to yourself about what you're taking in. This is old, old, OLD news.

I am in no way minimizing the very hard things you live with and have lived through and I have enormous empathy for all of it. The thing is, you are not honest with yourself about what you are doing. You post this kind of stuff and as soon as you are confronted, you change your tune. The next step will be that you disappear for a while.

Then you'll be back to start the same song again.

Remember what the definition of crazy is? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Get the fucking chips and shit out of the house. That's in the power of CHOICE. I don't CARE what you "want." DO WHAT YOU NEED, not what you "want."

I don't care whether you "care" about doing the right thing. DO IT ANYWAY or quit whining about it over and over and over again. Come ON. You are smart and capable. You KNOW BETTER and you are capable of DOING BETTER.

You are fighting hard odds, absolutely. But the amount of sheer POWER you have at your disposal resides INSIDE OF YOU. It's there, really and truly. I promise you this.

How do I know? I saw it in your eyes when I met you. Now dig in there and access it. You are already strong. So take that strength and use it for your good instead of using it to sabotage yourself. You can do it.

[Seeking Healthy]

Taylor, first I want to say I am sorry you are struggling so much. Weight regain is tough. I've been there. I had RNY in 2001 and lost all my weight plus some. I regained most of it living on almost NO calories a day. I eventually had an ERNY to try and loose some of the regain. Big mistake on my part. I lost alright, but I also lost a lot of my health in the process. My vitamin levels tanked even though I was on vita ladies plan with extra modifications. I gained osteoporosis and to top it off I could not stop loosing the weight. I resorted to trying to eat my way out of it. I increased my carb intake drastically and guess what, that did not work either, the only thing that did for me was to crave carbs more. I eventually revised to the DS to "fix me". (Thank you Dr. Keshishian!) I have gained some of my weight back, as well as improved dramatically on my vitamin levels. The one big thing I deal with now is loosing that CARB addiction. I have to actually watch it or my weight goes up. I am now above my personal goal weight and I realize this is something I will have to watch for the rest of my life.

You need to cut the carbs. Less then 50 g a day or less. Focus totally on the protein and if you eat carbs make sure they are complex carbs. It is not easy fighting this addiction. It has been a life long struggle for many of us who have had to have WLS. As you know the DS is very powerful if you work it and allow its power to work for you. Back to basics will probably be the only thing that will help you get the weight off now, plus adding what exercise you can.

It is so easy to depend on food to feed our emotions and mental issues. It is a stuggle for sure but you can beat this with determination, want, time and if you are able go see a therapist.

I hope it turns around for you soon. I know how bad it feels to live in despair and unhappiness. Easier said then done, but try not to let your weight define who you are or how you feel. I know, I know a though thing to do when this seems to be how society views obesity as well. But you can beat this if it is truly what you want.

SH

[Deleted]

Dec 24, 2011 13:42:42 GMT -5 @taylord said:

Umm. I'm not looking for excuses or pity, ok. I'm just saying it's a factor in my life. I know what I have to do and I plan on doing it. I've not given my whole story, so don't judge me or the degree of my illness. You and I are different and I take great offense to being accused of USING my illness as an excuse. So, please don't go there.

That said...

I appreciate the advice given and will use it. I do not feel comfortable enough here to go into ALL the aspects of my life. So I'll cut this short. Thank you for the positive responses from those meaning well. I have heard what has been said and will do what needs to be done. OUT...

Okay, don't let the door hit you in the ass honey. Come on back when you're ready for another identical pity party and you're going to get the identical advice.

[zuzupetals2u2]

almost sounds to me like you need psych meds or arent on the right ones or the right strength as I have been in that funk before I am on the right med and the right strength. It takes a lot of patience with the process too. Your stinking thinking gets a lot better too and you feel more like living again and making progress. You aren't hopeless for sure and you can get there. Take baby steps in the right direction and dont stop and you will get there.