Melanie's story

[melanie74]

I have been heavy since childhood - although it was always what I consider a 'normal overweight' - meaning I carried 40-50 pounds and dieted all the time to lose, would regain, lose again. After my daughter was born in 2000, my weight just piled on. By 2005 I was 375 lbs and desperate to make a change, but also too scared to do anything 'too drastic'. I heard about the lapband and went to a lapband-only surgeon's office. Had one installed - self pay ($17K) in Dec 2005. At the time, this practice had a policy that if you were self pay, any future issues would be covered at no cost. That sounded like good 'insurance' to me.

I did well at first .... Dropping about 150 pounds in 18 months. Then the problems started. Suddenly there were days when I couldn't even drink water. They told me I had a slip and would reposition it for free. While they never directly said 'this is your fault', they did say that I had lost too much weight too soon and so 'these things happen'. That certainly made me FEEL like it was my fault. I had the reposition surgery and then cautiously tried fills again - all the while regaining small amounts of weight. The fills never worked for me again - I was always too tight or wide open. They told me a year later that the band needed replacement but it was no longer free. I didn't have $10K for a fix so I just gave up. Over the years, I regained all my weight plus some (new high was now 395). I also struggles with all the emotions of failure - everyone seeing me gain weight again .... People telling me how I wasted money ... Such a painful time.

I knew one person who had the DS - and of all my friends and coworkers who had WLS - she was the only one who had kept her weight off all these years. I started looking into it and found a doctor in Jan 2013. The cost was $30K .... I just couldn't fathom spending that kind of money on myself after already paying for a lapband. So I decided to hire Walter Lindstrom Advocates to fight my insurance (feel free to contact me about their services if you want details- I have not been impressed). After 11 months of that battle and getting nowhere, and with the support of my loving husband, we met with the surgeon again and decided we would find a way to pay the cost. I had to make a change or I was going to be that 800 pound person who can't get out of bed .... Or die young ....
I was desperate.

I had my lapband to DS surgery on Jan 14, 2014.

I went through all the emotions - scared of dying, scared of not being able to take all my pills, wondering if this WLS choice was too extreme ("maybe the sleeve would be enough" - and it was a cheaper option). But in the end, I really believed my best chance at keeping the weight off would be the DS and I really did want to change my life -
Not just lose weight one more time.

I had so much scar tissue and a large hernia to repair. My surgery lasted almost 10 hours. I don't remember a lot about that night except they kept telling me to breathe deeper but I was too tired to do it so they gave me oxygen. The next day I was walking around and drinking water. They sent me for a barium swallow and CT scan without my scheduled pain meds - and that was horrid. I was in a lot of pain and finally said 'I can't do this' so they wheeled me back and gave me meds. I went back for the tests later that day. I was released at about 6pm and we drove to a hotel (surgery was 4 hour drive away from our home).

I really felt pretty decent and was feeling a bit better each day - then at one week, one of my incisions started leaking like crazy and I felt really nauseous. I wasn't drinking as I needed to so doc had me go back to hospital. They did more testing, drained the fluid with a needle - everything looked fine - I got rehydrated and everything was better. We drove home that night.

I admit I have gone through the emotional days saying "why did i do this? Why didn't I just get the sleeve?" But with each day I am feeling better. My doc has me on clear liquids only for 4 weeks. 1st two weeks weren't so bad. Third week was okay - but I am really struggling with this limited diet right now. I truly believe that once I can start introducing a few more things - thicker textures like yogurt - I will start feeling better overall. Most of my pain is manageable. I still get some nausea - but I think it's when I am not eating frequently enough.

I am up late still sometimes but am trying to reset my clock. I plan on taking the full 6 weeks off from work because I know I will quickly get sucked into very long hours. So I am taking some time away for "me."

I think I will try to update this monthly. I started a pre-op diet on Dec 7. I was 395 then. At surgery I was 365 and today I am at 345 - so 50 lbs gone so far from my HW. I am happy with that!!

I am thankful I found this board and for everyone's warm support and great advice!! Thanks!!!
Melanie C.

[indianamom]

Congratulations on you DS! Sounds like you have had quit an ordeal getting there. I cannot not imagine how difficult 4 weeks of clear liquids would be - you have successfully done it- good for you!

I hope you continue to feel better and better!

[Girlrocker]

Melanie! I posted a response earlier today...apparently too early before coffee because it is not here.

So let me say again...I am moved by your story and thank you for sharing it with us. I am so glad to have you with us. You have been through a LOT. I'm an RNY to DS revision, but I can relate to a lot of what you shared, especially about going with the surgery that was the best option/decision for you at the time. That applied to me too for the RNY, and I why I went with it. And that was after agonizing about the lapband at the time, too. The DS was never an option with my insurance, but, I also believed the gold standard line too.

I think given that your surgery was ten hours long! Oh my, that's a very long time to be under anesthesia, you had a lot of work done, you're doing remarkably well. Glad you are taking your full six weeks off for recovery, knowing how busy work will be for you. I had to be game on when I came back too, so I took as long as I could off as well. It's very hard to go through WLS a second time, for all the reasons you talk about here - how much money you've spent, time, having kids. To not beat ourselves up, feel like a failure. You sound good, like you've made peace with that, I did too once I went through surgery and, my surgen helped take me off the blame hook. You absolutely took a step to save your life, not just for you but for your kids and family. It's brave and courageous.

The liquids must be pretty hard, and you're right about being able to put something more solid in your stomach helping you feel better. I'm sure your surgeon wants you on just liquids, being very cautious, given the scope of the work you had done. I had a lot of adhesions too, and I was on a feeding tube for 6 weeks. Wasn't too excited about that at first, and it became sore and annoying, but it helped me not stress about getting in protein and fluid because I could shoot it down there.

I also think it's wonderful you started a My Story journey here and your approach; and of course the board is here for any all questions, venting and support as you embark on your DS journey.

[melanie74]

Two steps forward and one step back seems to be the theme of my journey. I am almost through my fourth week and everything was looking and feeling better. I still have the most pain on my largest incision (where they say the stomach is pulled out) .... But today I woke up with terrible nausea (went to bed the night before feeling that way as well). Tried to get a protein shake in thinking the liquids and protein would help - threw up almost instantly. I have been taking anti nausea meds throughout the day - which make me sleepy. I am having a hard time getting liquids in when I feel like this but I must soldier on.

I am reading more and more .... And so badly want to be one of those people who have crossed over to the "I love my DS" stage. But when I am honest with myself, I am feeling quite sad and still wondering "what have I done???"

Hoping tomorrow is a better day .... It's my 40th birthday after all.

[Deleted]

Feb 9, 2014 19:18:08 GMT -5 melanie74 said:

Two steps forward and one step back seems to be the theme of my journey. I am almost through my fourth week and everything was looking and feeling better. I still have the most pain on my largest incision (where they say the stomach is pulled out) .... But today I woke up with terrible nausea (went to bed the night before feeling that way as well). Tried to get a protein shake in thinking the liquids and protein would help - threw up almost instantly. I have been taking anti nausea meds throughout the day - which make me sleepy. I am having a hard time getting liquids in when I feel like this but I must soldier on.

I am reading more and more .... And so badly want to be one of those people who have crossed over to the "I love my DS" stage. But when I am honest with myself, I am feeling quite sad and still wondering "what have I done???"

Hoping tomorrow is a better day .... It's my 40th birthday after all.

Melanie, 4 weeks is still very early and there are good and bad days. I am 4.5 months and had a couple rough dinners this week. Once when I ate a fried tenderloin for lunch and last night with a steak I cooked at home. I felt like I needed to puke both time but it finally passed. You will hear people reference tiny tummy days and sounds like you had one. Sometimes GERD can cause the nauseous feeling to so hopefully that is under control.

hang in there and know that your experience is not uncommon.

Have a great birthday tomorrow and know that next year your birthday will be super awesome and you will be eating much more.

[indianamom]

Feb 9, 2014 19:18:08 GMT -5 melanie74 said:

Two steps forward and one step back seems to be the theme of my journey. I am almost through my fourth week and everything was looking and feeling better. I still have the most pain on my largest incision (where they say the stomach is pulled out) .... But today I woke up with terrible nausea (went to bed the night before feeling that way as well). Tried to get a protein shake in thinking the liquids and protein would help - threw up almost instantly. I have been taking anti nausea meds throughout the day - which make me sleepy. I am having a hard time getting liquids in when I feel like this but I must soldier on.

I am reading more and more .... And so badly want to be one of those people who have crossed over to the "I love my DS" stage. But when I am honest with myself, I am feeling quite sad and still wondering "what have I done???"

Hoping tomorrow is a better day .... It's my 40th birthday after all.

Melanie: I am three weeks out so I'm a little behind you. I have bad food days, especially in the evening. I think this is just part of the adjustment. Our bodies are living on next to nothing, we have our stomach now smaller, and our plumbing has been rearranged. Considering all the surgery has put us through, we are bound to have some bumps, right? I hate the eating and feeling like the. Food is stuck but if I drink I may go over my limit and puke. Or worse, I just plain puke when I eat. But, it will get better as our bodies catch up. Having your birthday tomorrow is wonderful because when you celebrate next year you will be a little past a year and will be just a fraction of yourself today! What a wonderful birthday that will be. This year, just give yourself a break to feel off, as you have given yourself a wonderful gift ( even though it does not seem like it now) with your DS.

All that pep talk aside, please know I hear you, I'm right there with you with the eating and it sucks at times right now.

As for nausea, I don't know exactly where your solution lies. Shakes pass right through me, so I stopped them. For some, they work great, for others no. I will try again later. What gets the edge off for me is about 4oz. Of chocolate milk. Yes, it has some carbs, but protein too... Most important, it takes the edge off for me. I imagine full fat might work, but we had low fat and it sits well for me.

[melanie74]

Officially at 4 weeks post-op today. I was able to eat some cottage cheese yesterday and it was HEAVEN. never thought I would enjoy it so much. I have also been able to have thicker / blended soups.

I am also successfully getting in more of my vitamin regimen and really getting the water in. I think these past few days count as 'two step forward' days. A part of me feels like maybe I have finally turned that corner. I'm hopeful again

Besides the sleeping issues I have posted about, I am feeling good and enjoying trying new "puréed foods". I love egg salad - so in two more weeks i can have that on the "soft foods stage" ... Something to look forward to as I head back to work.

[goodkel]

Great that you feel you have turned a corner!

The early days are no picnic and I think all of us have experienced those,"What have I done to myself?!" moments.

Egg salad is the least of the wonderful things you have to look forward to...

Happy belated Birthday! You gave yourself a wonderful gift this year.

[Girlrocker]

Melanie, look at you and all those smiles, I'm smiling with you. You have made it through the first four weeks and there's no question they can be very difficult, zero fun, all about survival and recovery. I'm also gonna always remind you BIG revision, 10 hour surgery! You're doing really well, and helping yourself daily by posting what's happening with you, getting your questions answered, your fears reassured. These are such important steps to being successful long term, so give yourself some credit too.

I looooove egg salad and it was one of my favorite early post-op go-to meals. I sometimes had trouble with eggs cooked (that goes away eventually) but egg salad, hard boiled eggs worked great for me. My first 'meal' was actually deli turkey and string cheese rolled up and nothing ever tasted so good.

Month two, here you come!

[tina9999]

Congratulations on your decision to move forward with your DS. I'm at around 11 weeks and it does steadily get better although there are days when it just seems like you can't eat much. I had one of those just yesterday.

Sounds like you're doing great adhering to your doctor's recommendations regarding diet progression.

Keep on posting and letting us know how you're doing.

[deedee484]

Yay for you! Hope you had a happy 40th Birthday!! I am 7 weeks out and I can so relate to everything you are saying. I am still having days where I wonder what I've done but then I have better days where I see my progress and realize I'm feeling a little better each day! Hang in there and before you know it you will be eating that delicious egg salad!

[melanie74]

I don't know why today - must be going thru the emotional
Issues now (or it could be lack of sleep - my body is wide awake still all night even when I try to sleep or take Benadryl) - but today I suddenly feel completely overwhelmed by my vitamin schedule. What if I don't do this right and hurt myself? I feel almost paralyzed by this thought/fear.

I am about one month out and have not been able to do shakes so I am only eating soft foods with protein - cottage cheese, other soft cheese, yogurts. I am just now starting to get my vitamins into a steady schedule - and it just seems so daunting. Before surgery I felt so committed - and suddenly I want to go back in time and try dieting again instead of surgery.

One of my dearest friends is getting just the sleeve in 2 weeks and she spent a lot of time before surgery talking to me about that option - and I considered the "less complex" route - but my surgeon convinced me the DS would help with long term maintenance - and the info I found online agreed .... But as I sit here looking at my supplements, I guess there is a part of me that thinks "damn - maybe I should have been happy with just the sleeve."

I know that this is irrational thinking .... But I have been stressed about this all day and don't want to share with hubby because I don't want to freak him out .... Guess I just needed to see the words in print and cry it out a little bit.

On too of all that, I go back to work next week - and there is a person I have to work with that tries to undermine me at every turn. In my absence, she has inserted herself into my work. I guess the thought of "what will I be walking into" worries me as well.

My monthly cycle is late (trust me - NO CHANCE of pregnancy) ... So I am going to blame all of this on the hormones for now. And try not to the let the irrational side of me take over.

[Taterweight]

All I can say Melanie is that I feel much the same. I'm glad I had the surgery, though, I was at rock bottom and had to do something drastic. But, as far as feeling overwhelmed by the vitamins I know are sitting on my counter, the eating/or lack thereof, the food aversions and shake hatred. I am right along side of you. It's going to get better though, that I know, we both need patience. We can do this!

As for vitamins, I'm just about ready to wean off my pain meds and figure instead of the damn horse pill antibiotic, in goes the 2 multi's I need. Starting yesterday, I'm chewing 4 250mg wafers of calcium citrate...I'll need much more, but for now, 1000 mg is better than none. Next week I'll add in my A and D. Anyways, don't want to ramble, just wanted to let you know there are others out here feeling the same - You're not alone! Take care....the coworker interloper sucks, you'll just have to deal with that as it comes, no sense stressing over it till you see what's what!

[Girlrocker]

{{{{Melanie}}}} Cyberhugs for you!

I can relate to everything you just wrote and then some, and believe me, so can many others. Surgery is truly a lot of work, especially in the first 4-12 weeks, it takes the whole day just to get everything in. Everything you are experiencing right now is much more about healing from major surgery than the actual DS procedure. You're definitely laying down the foundation of what I call 'the blueprint' of how we will live. But right now, it's a lot of effort, our healing gut has had a LOT of work done so how you feel physically is completely relative. It won't be like this forever. And if you didn't have some kind of buyers remorse you wouldn't be human. I cried for two weeks after my revision - I was so happy to get a second chance, yet crushed to be 'here'...again. Our fat critics come out too, the shame of needing surgery in the first place; and right after surgery we are about as uncomfortable as we can be, yet still heavy, and our entire lives have changed as we knew it.

One of my dearest friends is getting just the sleeve in 2 weeks and she spent a lot of time before surgery talking to me about that option - and I considered the "less complex" route - but my surgeon convinced me the DS would help with long term maintenance - and the info I found online agreed .... But as I sit here looking at my supplements, I guess there is a part of me that thinks "damn - maybe I should have been happy with just the sleeve."

And knowing deep down you really did pick the right procedure for you. So you did a good, wise intuitive act of self-love by posting here, crying it out loud.

A perspective I always 'intellectually' understood but have really come to understand more fully with my revision process is that lifelong weight maintenance always takes some kind of work, changes in our habits and eating lifestyle. The surgery gives us the necessary assist to actually make those efforts work, not just for weight loss but the maintaining, which is truly the hardest part. Right now just focus on healing, sipping your fluids, getting in what protein you can, good job working in the vitamins, but don't feel like you have to take on the full regimen just yet if you can't handle it, iron/multi and calcium citrate will tide you over while you get better.

I can also relate to the work interloper, I work in what I call a human shark tank, so you are understandably stressed.

Proud of you for sharing this!

[melanie74]

I'm right at 6 weeks out now. I got into my car to run some errands today and my DH had been driving it. I always have to scoot the seat back farther than him because he is smaller. Today - NO SCOOTING THE SEAT!!! I was so thrilled.

One errand was running down to my favorite sandwich shop to pick up some egg salad - I think theirs is the BEST! And I haven't had any since before surgery. It was so yummy!!!!! And I felt full all day - not a bad full, just didn't have any hunger pains.

I met a friend of mine who is getting the sleeve in two weeks. She has been very curious about my progress so it was good to catch up. Even though our surgeries aren't the same, it's nice to have someone who at least understands WLS in general to chat with.

I have been feeling good - still not sleeping great but seeing small improvements. I have lost 60 pounds total - 30 on presurgery diet and 30 since surgery. I go back to work on Tuesday of this coming week .... Looking forward to getting back to a normal routine.

We are driving to Seattle tomorrow in preparation for my 6 week surgeon appt on Monday. I can't wait to get to a Trader Joe's and do some shopping. Even if it's good I can't have yet, I'll enjoy the 'window shopping'.

[melanie74]

One more thing ... There is a job opening at my current employer - but in a different group. I am excited about possibly getting away from the one person who drives me insane (although I know those people are everywhere) - the bigger "win"' for me here is that I feel confident enough to even APPLY for this other job. Before my surgery, I just felt too embarrassed and self conscious to apply for anything new. I felt like I wasn't good enough to want better for myself.

I still have a lot of weight to lose, BUT now I feel like it might actually come off and stay off - and that hope has given me a lot of inner strength! Of course that blasted devil on my shoulder keeps reminding me I have failed at diets and even WLS before ... It's hard to get rid of that nagging self doubt.

[deedee484]

Congrats Melanie! You are doing awesome!!! So happy for you!!

[nursemelanie]

Melanie, so glad to hear you're doing well. I totally believe you made the right choice with the DS. I had just the sleeve 4yrs ago and I'm back close to my HW. I hope things are good when you return to work. If not, take charge(just as you did by having the DS) and I bet you will find a way to overcome this person who causes you stress.

Your surgery was on my 15yr old's birthday and boy is she a fighter. They said she would never survive my pregnacy, but she did. They said she would never walk, but she runs. They said with her severe learning disability in math she could not succeed, but she's an honor roll student. You too are a fighter. You didn't give up after the lap band or denial of insurance. I believe this MO is a fight for our lives. Now instead of listing our failures, our list of successes must begin. I am rooting for you.

The other Melanie ;D



VSG 3-2010/ consult for DS with Dr Boyce 2-27-14/Age 41/5'8"/HW 287/CW 279

[melanie74]

Feb 23, 2014 1:13:58 GMT -5 nursemelanie said:

You too are a fighter. You didn't give up after the lap band or denial of insurance. I believe this MO is a fight for our lives. Now instead of listing our failures, our list of successes must begin. I am rooting for you.

You have a beautiful way with words - and I appreciate the encouragement!!

[kennyk]

Great post and thread.
Thanks!
K

[melanie74]

So today is my 2 months mark ... 2 months - how can time go by seemingly so slowly and yet so fast?! I will never understand that.

I am eating solid foods. Had bacon for breakfast today and it was awesome. Had chicken at dinner with some sauce - tasted great! I am loving eating normally again - finally - and am definitely focusing on protein first and as low carb as possible for now. I am snacking on protein bars and nuts - still struggling with the shakes. In all honesty - the shake problem is starting to mess with me emotionally - I am terrified of becoming protein deficient. And yet I physically cannot keep the shakes down - I literally vomit. But I think it must be psychological - I haven't thrown up anything else. I know at my three month check, my NUT will lecture me about not complying with heir shake policy. It's just wearing me down thinking about it.

I also feel hormonal and depressed some days. I know this is normal and I try not to let it consume me. I find myself much unhappier in my job right now - every little thing feels like a HUGE THING. So - just trying to ride this out till I am "balanced" again.

I don't have the "I am so glad I did this" feeling yet. I still doubt myself almost every day. I try to stay off the scale - but the weight loss has slowed down a great deal - no loss this week - and I know it's just one week and I don't want to be the person who complains about "not losing fast enough". I know it's not a race .... But I am only human - a fat human who has failed weight loss 100 times - and when the scale stops moving, it just breaks me down. I feel defeated. I don't want to be defined by a scale - yet I allow it. I have lost 65 pounds total - but 30 of that was pre surgery and the other 30 came off in the next 6 months. So two weeks of not a lot of weight loss has me a little bummed and anxious and worried and all those things that I keep saying I "don't want to be". I feel like people are watching me to see if I can really lose weight this time - and I don't want to fail myself.

With the return of normal food, I will say that I am starting to feel like "maybe it will get better" and I'm cautiously hopeful. I don't crave the sweets and carbs. I feel like I have more energy but still struggle getting up the stairs sometimes.

I know I have a long way to go .... And I need to start walking to get some exercise in. So I guess we will see where the next month takes me. I will try to post before and current photos at month 3.

[goodkel]

You have lost 35 pounds in two months!

I think that that is awesome!

Just remember that it is not a stall until you haven't lost a pound in four weeks. Make sure you are measuring yourself because that is when the inches usually fly off. A happy consolation.

One week is just a fluctuation.

Do be aware that your weight loss WILL slow down as time moves on. But, 5-8 pounds a month is great, too. As long as it keeps coming.

And it will. Promise.

[melanie74]

April 14th will be my 3 month mark technically.  I am preparing to see my surgeon next week to review all my lap results and my continued problems:  I still have weird shin pain.  It has gotten better, but it's nowhere close to being gone.  And it bugs me because it won't go away and I cannot explain what is causing it.  That just drives me nuts.  Actually, I guess a lot of my "problems" are that way -- I can't explain them so I get frustrated at myself.  I have bruises from my surgery - 3 month old bruises.  They are brown and faded, not bright purple... but I think they may never go away.  I am still so weak that I can barely climb a flight of stairs.  It is a real workout -- I keep doing it, but it's SLOW GOING and kind of embarassing at work when others are around.

I have struggled with protein shakes since the day after surgery ... it is my biggest frustration and "unexpected issue".  I am able to get some Quest bars down - and they aren't terrible.  I am trying to get 90 grams in with normal food, but my protein levels are still decreasing so I know I need the protein shakes -- or feel like I do.  I often wonder if that protein issue isn't causing all the other problems -- shin pain, bruises that won't go away, leg weakness?  My PCP is not super concerned with my protein levels -- she said I have not "nose dived" or anything ... they are "decent" but my WLS doc definitely wants me to pick it up.

I am getting my other vitamins in pretty easily.

In the moments where I feel most sad/frustrated/scared --  I still want to have the malabsorption reversed... I find myself fantasizing about getting the insuarnce to pay for it (I was self pay and couldn't afford another $30K to reverse the "switch" unless I was literally dying - then i think my dad might help me).  I know this will get better ... at least I hope it will.  I keep saying "give it more time" ... but I still have those moments where I don't want these worries anymore.  What if I can never get enough protein in?  I know when I meet with my surgeon next week I will end up crying in his office -- all of this still feels so raw and on the "surface".  I don't dare talk about my worries with friends or family because I know it only makes them worry more -- or utter those words I can't listen to right now: "I knew you shouldn't have done this."

I'm losing weight, and yet I still feel like a failure... I'm emotional and stressed ... and I guess I can chalk it up to "healing" but I feel like I should be BETTER by now.  I am eating lots of different types of protein so I don't have any food issues... I have some tummy troubles at night or 1st thing in the AM.  The stinky BMs get to me sometimes -- nothing masks the horrible smell.  I knew to expect that too -- but until you've lived it -- oh my!!!   

So, I guess I'm just posting in hopes that in another 1-2 months I will be in a completely different place, and can look back and say "I survived". 

Three months went much faster than I ever imagined... but at the same time, I don't feel anything like I thought I would by now.

[goodkel]

You're in the midst of the hormone flush of despair. I went through this and your buyer's remorse, too.

We can sound like a broken record, but this WILL pass.

Three months is not far out. Your body still has healing and adjusting to do.

It was more than a year for me before I felt anything remotely like normal. I don't think my body had much to do with it. I think that what I perceived as "normal" finally adjusted to my new reality.

You will always have to pay close attention to your protein. At almost 7 years out, I still have to supplement. It will become normal to you.

You are doing GREAT! You've lost weight, you're getting all of your vitamins in, you've come a long way.

Things are only going to keep getting better.

[Leonie]

Melanie, here is a biiiiig hug for you all the way across the ocean.

You are doing marvelously. You are losing weight, you are back at work, you can actually climb stairs, you are getting your protein from food, you are taking all your vites.

Your surgery lasted almost 10 hours! Twelve weeks is still early days. That bruising is quite to be expected. The fatigue is normal, the emotions are par for the course.

But it still sucks!

I cannot empathise with the desire to have the malabsorption reversed. I love mine too much. It also helps that Dr K explained that lots of vitamin absorption happens right at the junction with the stomach, and that can never be restored. If you ever do have serious malnutrition, and all the avenues are exhausted, it is possible to lengthen your common channel, and it is a pretty simple surgery, but once your body has adjusted, you have lost the weight, and you are on top of supplements, I am convinced you will be fine. I know that I was one of those malnourished fatties, and it is super wonderful to be really healthy.

The lap and is out! That thing did you so much harm. Now You can really lose the excess weight, be healthy, AND keep it off.

Hang in there girl. We are here with you.

[meq815]

(((((((Melanie))))))))). God, I SO hear you! I'm one month away from my one year surgiversary. I still can not honestly say " I love my DS!" The mental/emotional part is exhausting. Lately, I've realized I might actually be mourning the loss of "fat" me. I have lost over 125 lbs. I look like a completely different person, and generally, feel good physically. But I'm a head job. Still occasional bouts of buyers' remorse. Not sure if I woulda done it again.

But, I did it. And it's working. I'm a work in progress.

I guess my point is, you're not alone ?

[Girlrocker]

BIG hug to you Melanie! I relate to so much of what you shared here, especially about being a 'fat human who has failed weight loss 100 times', how scary it is not to see the scale move. My anxiety level during my revision recovery was huge, between the historical failure I had experienced in weight loss, including one big slice/dice procedure already, and, all the complications I had after my RNY, that included 3 months off work, second surgery, infection, wound vac. I had to work really hard to keep it from overwhelming me. I felt like an exposed nerve. I lived on this site to keep me sane, and saw my therapist weekly.

The 'so glad I had this surgery' part comes later, and is different for each of us. It's not this singular moment, an instant epiphany. It comes with time in understanding, connecting how your tool works with your body and the gifts it brings that are truly on and off the scale. I can tell you that the non-scale victories continue long after, many more for me as I'm over 2 years out now.

And we really have to tune out to other people's rate of loss, as I will always say, a small percentage fly down to goal quickly - often time dudes who just overall by sheer nature of being dudes lose faster than women. The revision process is different than a virgin procedure. For all of us who have the baggage of emotional issues, food addictions, and it's even more so for those of us who are older, there are lots of people who don't come to their surgery process with this, so their struggles, experiences are different. None of it better/worse, just different. We're all morbidly obese, all had surgery to have not just weight loss but long-term healthy, successful weight management. Our stories are our stories.

You will definitely feel better as you start to eat more solid food and you will continue to define your new 'normal' As for the shakes, are you still trying to drink like, 4 or 5 a day? Which, I don't like to go against recommendations of other's surgeons, but I think that's excessive. I think 2 a day, 30g a piece or just one doubling the scoops would be sufficient in tandem with what you can eat. It's also entirely possible they just don't agree with you, a lot of people have struggled with whey protein and nausea, vomiting. For some, only egg protein powders work, so that's something to also consider.

A LOT of big, huge life change happens in a very short time, so it's like forever ago and quick all at the same time. This is when I started to understand when people would say, it takes the head awhile to catch up with the body. I found that to be very true and at many different phases. Don't beat yourself up here - or ever really. This is one of the biggest undertakings. Having surgery is no small decision and neither is the process to live it. Some perspective just comes later on, you won't know, see it all now, and that's definitely normal. Continue to be kind and patient with yourself, be proud of what you have done to get healthy and well. It helps through some of the dark times. And as you have more distance from the hard core physical healing, the detox from anesthesia which can contribute heavily to depression, this will get better. And if it doesn't, than you have options like anti-depressants, therapy for a boost if you need it. And you ALWAYS have us!

Mar 14, 2014 22:17:36 GMT -5 melanie74 said:

So today is my 2 months mark ... 2 months - how can time go by seemingly so slowly and yet so fast?! I will never understand that.

I am eating solid foods. Had bacon for breakfast today and it was awesome. Had chicken at dinner with some sauce - tasted great! I am loving eating normally again - finally - and am definitely focusing on protein first and as low carb as possible for now. I am snacking on protein bars and nuts - still struggling with the shakes. In all honesty - the shake problem is starting to mess with me emotionally - I am terrified of becoming protein deficient. And yet I physically cannot keep the shakes down - I literally vomit. But I think it must be psychological - I haven't thrown up anything else. I know at my three month check, my NUT will lecture me about not complying with heir shake policy. It's just wearing me down thinking about it.

I also feel hormonal and depressed some days. I know this is normal and I try not to let it consume me. I find myself much unhappier in my job right now - every little thing feels like a HUGE THING. So - just trying to ride this out till I am "balanced" again.

I don't have the "I am so glad I did this" feeling yet. I still doubt myself almost every day. I try to stay off the scale - but the weight loss has slowed down a great deal - no loss this week - and I know it's just one week and I don't want to be the person who complains about "not losing fast enough". I know it's not a race .... But I am only human - a fat human who has failed weight loss 100 times - and when the scale stops moving, it just breaks me down. I feel defeated. I don't want to be defined by a scale - yet I allow it. I have lost 65 pounds total - but 30 of that was pre surgery and the other 30 came off in the next 6 months. So two weeks of not a lot of weight loss has me a little bummed and anxious and worried and all those things that I keep saying I "don't want to be". I feel like people are watching me to see if I can really lose weight this time - and I don't want to fail myself.

With the return of normal food, I will say that I am starting to feel like "maybe it will get better" and I'm cautiously hopeful. I don't crave the sweets and carbs. I feel like I have more energy but still struggle getting up the stairs sometimes.

I know I have a long way to go .... And I need to start walking to get some exercise in. So I guess we will see where the next month takes me. I will try to post before and current photos at month 3.

[elizabethtucker]

Thank you guys for sharing your amazing story...!