Post by maggiesara on Apr 8, 2014 13:42:13 GMT -5
I seem to have cracked through my most recent stall -- I'm down about ten pounds in a few weeks -- and that's great. I weigh 191 pounds, as of this morning, which is BEYOND blowing my mind: This is roughly what I weighed my senior year in college. Granted, I thought I was hideous and that small children would run in horror if they saw me in the street, but even so. The last time I weighed this little was about 20 years ago.
But that's not the weirdness. If things keep progressing -- and I have no particular reason to think they won't -- I will make my goal of 145 pounds. It's just not that far off. And judging from the way my body is dealing with the weight-loss, 145 may in fact be too LOW. Or at least, at 145, I will be a genuinely thin person. And THAT'S the weirdness. I have spent my entire life on a diet. And "on a diet" doesn't just mean that vast amounts of time and energy have been devoted to the All Important Questions of What Should I Eat, What Did I Eat, What Do I Wish I Could Eat, How Can I Manage to Eat It, How Wicked and Loser-ish Am I For Eating It, How Much Can I Eat Before I Start Dieting Again Tomorrow….and etc. "On a diet" also means that there is the promise of tomorrow. In the immediate sense, "tomorrow" means the day I start dieting again and am thus in control. And in the larger sense, "tomorrow" means the day when I will have lost All the Weight and everything will be wonderful and I won't have to shop at Lane Bryant and boys will love me and maybe even my father will love me and maybe maybe even I will love myself. In other words, "dieting" carries the implicit promise of "tomorrow," and "tomorrow" is…..it's hope. Hope on a plate.
How do you function when you no longer have the promise of a tomorrow -- a tomorrow when everything will be different?
But that's not the weirdness. If things keep progressing -- and I have no particular reason to think they won't -- I will make my goal of 145 pounds. It's just not that far off. And judging from the way my body is dealing with the weight-loss, 145 may in fact be too LOW. Or at least, at 145, I will be a genuinely thin person. And THAT'S the weirdness. I have spent my entire life on a diet. And "on a diet" doesn't just mean that vast amounts of time and energy have been devoted to the All Important Questions of What Should I Eat, What Did I Eat, What Do I Wish I Could Eat, How Can I Manage to Eat It, How Wicked and Loser-ish Am I For Eating It, How Much Can I Eat Before I Start Dieting Again Tomorrow….and etc. "On a diet" also means that there is the promise of tomorrow. In the immediate sense, "tomorrow" means the day I start dieting again and am thus in control. And in the larger sense, "tomorrow" means the day when I will have lost All the Weight and everything will be wonderful and I won't have to shop at Lane Bryant and boys will love me and maybe even my father will love me and maybe maybe even I will love myself. In other words, "dieting" carries the implicit promise of "tomorrow," and "tomorrow" is…..it's hope. Hope on a plate.
How do you function when you no longer have the promise of a tomorrow -- a tomorrow when everything will be different?