Non-Scale…Event

[maggiesara]

Ok, so I have this hernia. And it happens to be situated in such a way as to make me look mmmm….about seven months pregnant. I mean, exactly. (As a side note, I'm wondering if I didn't perhaps have the hernia prior to my surgery -- since I did indeed have an enormous, muscular-feeling belly -- and if it's only become apparent now because the rest of me is so much thinner). Anyway, not a day goes by that someone doesn't comment on my Blessed Little Bundle. I have handled this by smiling delightedly and saying, "Actually, it's a hernia, not a baby!" I have realized that this is not the ideal response, A) because there's no reason to bring these strangers into my business, and B) because it makes them feel foolish, and I don't need to do that. So my new mantra is: Just smile and say thank you.

But this backfired yesterday. I was the subway, and a woman gestured happily at my stomach. "You're PREGNANT!" she cried in joy. I smiled and said "Mmmmm."
"When are you due?"
[Shit] "Uhhhh…..a couple of months."
"Oh, that's so terrific! Is it a boy or a girl?"
[SHIT] "I, ummmm…..I asked them not to tell me."
"Oh, yeah, you want it to be a beautiful surprise. I get it, I get it. But I bet you've got names picked out for the boy, right?"
[SHIT shit shit] "Mmmmmmm."
"And how about if it's a sweet little girl? You've got a few names for her, too, right?"
[Oh fuck, I'm, like, losing it] "Oh yes, names for her, too."
"What are they? You can tell me."
[Fuckety fuck fuck] "I'm…….ohhh, you know, I'm keeping them a secret."
"I totally get it. You're carrying God's gift. God's gift."

And with that, she got off the train, which thank GOD, because I was this close to inviting her to the bris.

[jpcello]

A little alien baby

[deedee484]

Lol hilarious Maggie!!

[michellemj]

But you did take the seat she offered, right?

[bctarver4]

You are carrying God's gift. And god's gift is a insurance covered tummy tuck!!

[newyorkbitch]

While this is funny, I am really concerned about the size of the hernia. Have you seen Dan Herron yet?

[Girlrocker]

Apr 1, 2014 10:51:54 GMT -5 maggiesara said:

Ok, so I have this hernia. And it happens to be situated in such a way as to make me look mmmm….about seven months pregnant. I mean, exactly. (As a side note, I'm wondering if I didn't perhaps have the hernia prior to my surgery -- since I did indeed have an enormous, muscular-feeling belly -- and if it's only become apparent now because the rest of me is so much thinner). Anyway, not a day goes by that someone doesn't comment on my Blessed Little Bundle. I have handled this by smiling delightedly and saying, "Actually, it's a hernia, not a baby!" I have realized that this is not the ideal response, A) because there's no reason to bring these strangers into my business, and B) because it makes them feel foolish, and I don't need to do that. So my new mantra is: Just smile and say thank you.

But this backfired yesterday. I was the subway, and a woman gestured happily at my stomach. "You're PREGNANT!" she cried in joy. I smiled and said "Mmmmm."
"When are you due?"
[Shit] "Uhhhh…..a couple of months."
"Oh, that's so terrific! Is it a boy or a girl?"
[SHIT] "I, ummmm…..I asked them not to tell me."
"Oh, yeah, you want it to be a beautiful surprise. I get it, I get it. But I bet you've got names picked out for the boy, right?"
[SHIT shit shit] "Mmmmmmm."
"And how about if it's a sweet little girl? You've got a few names for her, too, right?"
[Oh fuck, I'm, like, losing it] "Oh yes, names for her, too."
"What are they? You can tell me."
[Fuckety fuck fuck] "I'm…….ohhh, you know, I'm keeping them a secret."
"I totally get it. You're carrying God's gift. God's gift."

And with that, she got off the train, which thank GOD, because I was this close to inviting her to the bris.

OMG, that last line is genius! Poor Maggie, that is a BIG hernia, you must see the doctor!

[maggiesara]

I went to a play the other night, starring my most passionate actor-crush -- even more than Robbie Coltrane, my secret boyfriend -- and I was able to tell the actor (I don't know why I'm being coy; his name's Adrian Lester) that I have been a humungo fan for 18 years. Anyway, I'm making my way out through the crowd of autograph-seekers (I am not the only person who has glommed onto his appeal), and he calls out, "Make way for the lady; she's carrying!" This was before my New Resolution as to how to handle this kind of situation, so I beamed at him, and said "Thank you, but it's actually a hernia, not a baby." And he beamed right back and said "Milk it for every drop."

In truth, I have finally realized that I should be majorly flattered by all the Blessed Event attention. Because folks, I'm 54. If I'm about to give birth we are talking a SERIOUSLY blessed event. Also a minor medical miracle.